Martha Who?

or...who really has it all, while keeping it all together?

Name:
Location: New England, United States

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

If She Wears Her Hair in Curls, Then Every Woman in America Wears Her Hair in Curls

How fellow blograts pop up when you least expect it: tonight at Ragtime rehearsal I found out that the our dance coach gal playing Evelyn Nesbitt just started a blog herself. We are keeping the peace in the alto ensemble, and I will be playing one of her back up dancers. And to top it off, she is a writing student, and to REALLY top it off, she was actually reading a copy of The Scarlet Letter for a comp class.

Just wanted to send over my cyber support to this gifted young lady -- and to offer three pieces of advice:

1. Keep on writing -- write every day even if you think you have nothing to write about. Keeps the creative juices flowing. The blog can be a helpful outlet.

2. Keep on reading -- The Scarlet Letter is a beautiful American novel, that often gets the shaft because of the Custom House intro. While it's rich in historical context, that chapter is somewhat disconnected from the rest of the book and it's a real dog to get through. But once you get past that, oh what treasures! (I mean, Puritan Sex -- what's better than that?)

and MOST IMPORTANTLY:

3. Go easy on me in dance rehearsal next Wednesday. The last time I danced on stage was about 12 years, 15 pounds and one baby ago.


Hugs,
MW

Monday, February 27, 2006

Desperate Times: A Short (I promise) Play

SETTING:
Dinner. MARTHAWHO's household. Last night.

MARTHAWHO:
So I've been thinking...

MR. MARTHAWHO:
That's usually a sign of trouble.

MARTHAWHO:
No seriously. You'll be proud of me.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
OK. Shoot.

MARTHAWHO:
I've decided, after much consideration...

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yes...?

MARTHAWHO:
... I've decided to give up watching Desperate Housewives on Sundays.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey -- that's great, actually. You know me -- I'm all about watching less TV. That is outstanding, honey. It's one less hour of brain atrophy, and one more hour we could spend doing something more productive. How did you come to this epiphany? Do you think the show sucks, or do you just want to own more of your free time?

MARTHAWHO:
I'm actually just trying to plan ahead. Sopranos starts up again in two weekends, and there's a new HBO show starting that night -- about polygamous Mormons starring Bill Paxon that I know I will get so sucked into. I just can't Tivo that many shoes in one night. I'll already be up until midnight on Sundays catching up.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
(deflated)
Oh.

MARTHAWHO:
Sorry honey. Can you pass me a napkin?

Silence.

CURTAIN

###

Decongestants: The Way Mother Nature Intended

After spending the latter part of last week with a horrendous head cold, and stuffing myself with over the counter liver-killing remedies, I finally found relief on Sunday afternoon. Nothing clears your sinuses faster than watching the last 45 minutes of an epic tear jerker.

I love pre-Oscar week TV schedule.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Supremes

SETTING: CNN evening anchor desk.

AARON:
Good evening, America. Well, here we are together, you and me, about to witness another one of those bowel-wrenching, spine-realigning, quintessentially surreal moments in American History. My shirt is clean and my heart is pure and I'm here to report on something news-worthy that I know nothing about. What that is remains to be revealed. Anderson?

ANDERSON:
(after a pause)
OK. Thank you Aaron. This truly is, as I think you indicated, an historic moment in our nation's history.

AARON:
Absolutely!

ANDERSON:
Let's have a recap of how today's events unfolded.

AARON:
Yes! That would be an appreciated and perhaps even an expected gesture, given our place in the miasma of news reporting. Thank you for suggesting it.

ANDERSON:
(another incredulous pause)
We're going to go live now to the hidden chambers of the U.S. Supreme Court where our new CNN correspondent, Ryan Seacrest, has the latest. Ryan?

VOICE OVER AARON:
(voice over as the cameras switch to Ryan Seacrest)
Say.... I know this guy from somewhere...

RYAN SEACREST:
Thank you Anderson, Aaron. I'm Ryan Seacrest and THIS..... is CNN Courtwatch.

VOICE OVER AARON:
Yeah… he looks like that guy from New Years Rockin' Eve. I love that guy....

VOICE OVER ANDERSON:
What can you tell us about what's been going on this evening?

RYAN:
Well, Anderson, it's been an unbelievable day as you can well imagine. It all started last week with the bizarre tragedy on the high court.

RYAN's voice continues to narrate as an American-Idol-esque video rolls showing the events of the previous week.

V.O. RYAN:
It was supposed to be his first day of work, but little did newly-appointed Justice Samuel Alito know that it would be his last. The morning began as usual, but then came the news that Justice John Paul Stevens would be retiring at the end of this term, and things quickly took a turn for the worse. Apparently unable to bear the thought of a third dramatic change in the Court’s make-up in one term, the entire court spontaneously combusted. In the White House press conference later that day, a shell-shocked Scott McClellan stated that (quote) the thoughts and prayers of the President and Mrs. Bush are with the families of the late Supreme Court Justices (end quote) and that (quoting again) the President’s first and foremost concern is that the Court return as soon as possible to hearing the cases on the spring docket (end quote). In a special televised address to the nation on Thursday evening, President Bush had this to add.

V.O. [RECORDED] GEORGE W. BUSH
…Right along with you I’m stunned by this rare and terrifying natural combustion phenomenon thing-y. Shows the Lord can giveth generously and he also is a pretty bad mother when it comes right down to it… anyways, we cannot let this setback – this bump on the ol’ trail – keep us from keeping the judicial flames…flaming. Tonight I am pledging two things to the American People – one, that all scheduled executions in the Lone Star state will continue as planned. I will personally deny any clemency requests that come in until the Court is re-sitchiated. And maybe after, too. And two, I will be invoking an emergency clause that allows me to appoint an interim Court that can begin hearing cases right away while they are moving through the official-ease of the confirmation hearings. God Bless the families of the Supremes and God Bless me and you…

Video clip ends, and we're back to live RYAN, ANDERSON, and AARON on a split screen.

ANDERSON:
Ryan, is it fair to say that not many Americans had ever heard of the “interim Court” clause the President referred to in his address last week?

AARON:
I’ll confess it was quite a revelation for this truth-seeking stallion.

RYAN:
Anderson, that is definitely a fair statement. Apparently the “Interim Court Clause” had been passed in the 2003 Congressional term. It was attached in very fine print to some version of the Patriot Act.

ANDERSON:
Surprising.

RYAN:
In a nutshell, Anderson and Aaron, the “Interim Court Clause” states that the in the event that the entire Court is lost in an act of war or other tragic accident, the President can appoint an interim court comprised of no less than three members, to begin hearing cases immediately – to return to normalcy as soon as possible. While there isn’t any stipulation on who these interim justices should be, it was widely speculated last week that President Bush was going to simply start at the top of his nominee list and make calls to the first three folks listed there.

AARON:
As a good a strategy as any, I’d venture. I mean, when you’re in the middle of a swirling whirlpool of black holes, you have to have something sharp to cling to.

ANDERSON:
(another pause)
Which brings us to today’s events.

RYAN:
Yes, Anderson. This morning when America woke up, there was a new Supreme Court – the three new justices were sworn in early this morning and have spent the day preparing for hearing their first cases tomorrow morning.

ANDERSON:
And now we go live to the Secret Chambers of the U.S. Supreme Court for a never-before-seen peek at the inner “deliberation room” – and the new justices at work. Ryan Seacrest with this exclusive story tonight.

Cameras are now on RYAN inside the Supreme Court inner chambers.

RYAN:
(whispering)
This is it. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. I’m standing here in the deliberation room of the U.S. Supreme Court where our new Justices have been spending the day getting settled into their new roles. (to the bench) Justices, I first want to thank you for taking a few moments to speak with America about this dramatic day.

Image widens to include the Bench behind RYAN. The three robed characters are revealed to be PAULA ABDUL, SIMON COWELL, and RANDY JACKSON.

PAULA ABDUL:
Thank you, Ryan. It’s so cool to see you here sweetie.

RANDY JACKSON:
Yeah hear hear. Props bro, for the new job. CNN. Very niiiice.

RYAN:
Just think – last week at this time the three of you and I were on the soundstage at the Kodak Theatre in LA, and this week – well – I don’t think any of us could have predicted this turn of events.

PAULA:
That’s for sure.

RYAN:
Tell me what it was like when you got the call. Let’s start with you, Randy …

RANDY:
It’s Justice Jackson, dawg.

PAULA giggles and punches RANDY in the arm.

RANDY:
Honestly, bro, it was like, for me – it was an incredible honor when the President woke me up last evening to let me know I was at the top of his list of potential nominees. I was like, whoa – I’m not worthy, you know? But dude, he’s a huge fan of the show, and he was like, I’m really digging how you are so impartial and un-biased every week on Idol, and I think you’d be really great at this gig. I mean, who was I to say no… especially to the President, dawg – touch THIS.

RYAN:
Justice Abdul, you got the next call if I’m not mistaken.

PAULA:
Yes. That’s correct. I was actually with my stylist picking out an outfit for this week’s Idol showdown when the phone rang. Needless to say I was shocked. What a thrill though, Ryan. I mean – what an honor. You know, as a performer you’re really always a public servant. So this was just a natural next step.

RYAN:
Justice Cowell, perhaps the most controversial of the picks given your citizenship status.

SIMON:
(miserable)
That’s right. My stay-tus has been of considerable concern.

RYAN:
Let’s take a quick look at this evening’s White House press conference where the President himself made a few remarks.

Video footage of the press conference begins.

SCOTT MCLELLAN:
Okay, okay – we’ve got time for one more question…. Let’s see… Judy?

REPORTER:
(off camera)
Thank you Scott and thank you Mr. President. Mr. President, Simon Cowell is not a U.S. Citizen. This is obviously a point of concern for many Americans – that he is not familiar with the laws of our land, and that he will not be able to mete out justice fairly. Can you speak to this concern?

GEORGE W. BUSH
Thank you, Judy, and first I want to thank you for asking that tough question. This whole week has been about tough questions. Believe me I ask myself the same tough questions all the time. And you know what I get in return? Nothing. So you’re not alone there. On the issue of Justice Cowell…well, look, Judy – I have three things to say about that concern, because it’s a valid concern for some people, even if I think it’s unvalid and stupid. The first thing I’ll say is that Simon Cowell is a citizen of America’s greatest friend: Great Britain. As you know, America and Great Britain have always been chummy, since time began, and they are our closest ally in the War On Terror. So I think it’s an honor to have Simon on our Court. Letter B, I want to say that most American citizens don’t have the first flying clue about most of the rules and regulations in this country – I know I sure don’t! – so I’d say Justice Cowell will have a running start. Think of it as on the job training. And Fourthly, I says to Vice President this afternoon, Dickie, if they can elect an Austrian celebrity to be the governor of California, I can appoint a British celebrity to the Supreme Court. Just so as none of these guys come after my job, you understand, heh heh heh.

The Camera is back in the Court Chambers.

RYAN:
That was a hearty endorsement of your appointment, Justice Cowell.

SIMON:
Look, Ryan, I’m going to tell you something. And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for this rewarding peek into the circus of the American political arena, but really there is nothing I’d rather do less than sit on this Court. I have to spend enough time with Dumb and Dumber here as it is, and this is going to be an excruciating experience.

RANDY:
That’s enough Anti-American sentiment from you, Cowell. (Randy melodramtically bangs a gavel and then in a horrible imitation of a British accent) I’ll have you thrown in the brig for treason!

PAULA:
(smiling)
Yeah, Simon! You’re just bitter you weren’t tapped for judicial greatness in your own country.

RANDY:
He’d get to wear a phat wig if that happened though.

PAULA giggles and punches RANDY.

RYAN:
Let’s move on. Tell us a little bit about how you’ve spent your day.

SIMON:
We were supposed to spend the day familiarizing ourselves with the lower court briefs for tomorrow’s oral arguments.

RANDY:
(puffing up his robe)
The only briefs I’ve been thinking about is whether or not I’ll be wearing briefs – or anything else – under this tent tomorrow. Is this dawg HOT or what?

SIMON:
(throwing a pencil at Randy)Look, Ryan. I’ll tell you what we’ve done today. Absolutely nothing. It’s been an enormous waste of time.

PAULA:
(whining)
Simon! That’s not fair. You’re the one bogging us down!

RANDY:
Right on, Justice. (RANDY and PAULA share a high-five). She does have a point there, Cowell.

RYAN:
How so, Justice Jackson?

RANDY:
So so so so check this, check this out. George –

RYAN:
The President, you mean?

RANDY:
Yeah, bro why you like that correcting me? We’re tight – George is my dawg now you know? Anyway, check this out – he pretty much left us to do our thing today, but the only thing we were required to do was pick a Chief Justice before tomorrow’s session. And Cowell, here…

SIMON:
(throwing his hands in the air)
Oh here we go.

RANDY:
Cowell here fancies that it should be him.

SIMON:
I was merely pointing out that since I am clearly the only appointee who feels an enormous amount of pain and suffering by being here, it would be a nice gesture to give me the title. That and I’m by far the smartest.

RANDY:
Clearly the Chief Justice should be this dawg, though. George wants a brother to be steering this dinghy. Why do you think he called me first?

PAULA:
So we’ve been fighting all day about that, Ryan. If we had just gone with my plan this morning, we could have had more time to spend picking out our Dockers for tomorrow.

SIMON bangs his head on the table.

RYAN:
What was your plan, Justice Abdul?

RANDY:
Yo yo yo so check this out, yo. Paula here thinks that we should rotate the Chief Justice hat so to speak. Someone different gets the hat every day.

PAULA:
And we could start in alphabetical order by last name.

SIMON:
The problem with that non-plan, is that it does not solve the problem. You can’t have three chiefs. It does not make sense at all.

PAULA:
I’m feeling like we can make whatever rules we want now, you know? Stop being such a downer, Simon.

RANDY:
Paula you know I love you, but Cowell has a point. It’s not the Supreme Court Chief Justic-EZ – there’s only one big daddy in this dog pound you know?

SIMON:
Furthermore, do you really think America wants to wake up tomorrow and hear that a former Laker Girl is their Supreme Court Chief Justice.

PAULA:
(tearing up)
That was mean, Simon!

SIMON:
I should be the Chief. My ratings are high in the heartland. And fat TV-watching Americans fall over themselves around anyone with a British accent. Case closed.

RYAN:
Well look, guys. We know you’ve been struggling to come to consensus on this issue, so the good folks at CNN have decided to help you out. We’ve set up a toll-free hotline which will open at the end of this program, with a unique number for each of you. This is where you come in, America – tonight you will have two hours to place your vote for who should be the next Supreme Court Chief Justice of the United States? Should it be Justice Paula Abdul, Justice Simon Cowell, or Justice Randy Jackson. You decide. The results will be revealed tomorrow morning when Larry King and I host a special “breakfast results show” – we’ll reveal the new Chief and take your questions.

For now you guys should read those briefs and get some rest. Tomorrow’s a big day. Anderson, Aaron – this is Seacrest, Out.

Back in the CNN newsroom.

ANDERSON:
That was Ryan Seacrest, reporting live from the U.S. Supreme Court building in Washington DC. Please stay tuned to CNN for the hotline numbers so you can place your vote for who you think should be the U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice. Ryan Seacrest will be back tomorrow morning with Larry King. Then after he hosts his afternoon talk show and the American Idol “Country Ballads” edition on FOX, he will be back here tomorrow night on CNN with Aaron and I for our continuing CourtWatch coverage. Until then, I’m Anderson Cooper.

AARON:
And I’m -- say, Anderson, he really IS that guy from New Years Rockin Eve, isn’t he?

###

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Why the Baby Jesus Created the Mute Button

The following is an only slightly embellished dramatization of the commentator narration during the women's figure skating short program:

SETTING: The Palavela ice rink, Torino, Italy. Tuesday February 21, 2006. The evening of the women's figure skating short program. The NBC commentators on the Voice Over are Scott, Dick, Sandra and Tom. There are 5 skaters. The first skater takes the ice.

V.O. TOM
This is Tom here with Scott, Sandra and Dick, and well here we are again at Palavela... this time to watch the women skate. Will Russia continue the domination of the figure skating events or will the American women step up? Will the young skaters outshine or be overshadowed by those with more competition experience? Will the new scoring system hurt or hinder the quality of these short programs? Will Dick live up to his name as we comment on the programs? We're about to find out.

V.O. SCOTT (exuberant)
I don't know about you guys but I'm giddy -- just giddy I tell you! I've been waiting for this night for four years. Oh, I can barely breathe I'm so excited. Aren't you excited, Sandra?

V.O. SANDRA
Oh yes, Scotty, I love this night, too. For me it's all about the beautiful choreography. After watching the practice runs this week I think it's safe to say we're going to see some beautiful choreography tonight.

V.O. DICK
And we'll probably see some sh*tty programs, too. That's the beauty of the Olympic games. We can't all be winners.

V.O. TOM
And here comes our first skater now ...

V.O. SCOTT
Oh god I'm so excited!

V.O. TOM
Now speaking of Olympic spirit, Dick, this is a really great story. Skater #1 grew up in East Jabip Turkey where there are only two ice rinks in the entire country. Once they saw her aptitude for the sport, her parents sold everything they owned and moved to Canada so she could train.

V.O. DICK
Sort of makes it seem like she should be Canadian then, don't you think? Right out of the gate and she's already bending the rules.

V.O. SANDRA
I watched Skater #1 in practice earlier today and I have to tell you she has some really beautiful choreography.

V.O. SCOTT
And she's just so cute! I mean, look at her. You just want her to do well.

SKATER #1 takes to the ice and begins her program.

V.O. TOM
And here's the opening combination... and.... she lands it.

V.O. SCOTT
Oh good job, honey.

V.O. DICK
But she lands it without any passion. It's robotic. Straightforward. Not interesting at all. I'm bored outta my gourd.

V.O. SANDRA
Dick, we're only 30 seconds into the evening.

V.O. DICK
Well I'm sorry. She lost me at "hola."

V.O. TOM
(shuffling papers can be heard)
Uhhh... check that .... you mean to say she lost you at "merhaba," Dick. SKATER #1 is from Turkey, not Mexico.

V.O. DICK
Yeah what's the difference?

V.O. SCOTT
There's only one ice rink in Mexico.

V.O. DICK
There's only one ice cube in Mexico, Scotty.

V.O. TOM
And here comes SKATER #1's final combination -- a triple flip followed by a double toe loop. And..... there's the Triple Flip...

V.O. SCOTT (shrieking)
... and... the Double! GOD! I LOVE this!

V.O. DICK
She'd get another point if she made it a triple.

V.O. SANDRA
A really nice short program for this young Turkish-Canadian teen. An inspiration for teens in both countries.

V.O. DICK
Yeah yeah. Tell her to come back in four years when she's out of puberty and grows into that face.

V.O. TOM
And while we wait for SKATER #1's marks, SKATER #2 is warming up.

V.O. SANDRA
That's right, Tom. SKATER #2 is from the great country of Canada...

V.O. DICK
Jeezus, another Canadian? C'mon people. Let's mix it up a bit, eh?

V.O. SANDRA
... and she has been skating for 15 years. This is her second Olympic Games ... we last saw her in Salt Lake...

V.O. DICK
Oh yeah, I remember her now. We last saw her on her ass in Salt Lake.

V.O. SCOTT
SKATER #2 has some confidence issues to work through. We shared a locker room at worlds a few years back. She's a little shaky with her emotions this week too. Who can blame her though -- I mean it's hard when you're juggling a professional skating career, and trying to cope with the loss of both your great grandmother and your chinchilla in the same month.

V.O. SANDRA
She does have some beautiful choregraphy though. Did you see her in practice?

V.O. TOM
Here are SKATER #1's marks ... and the total is 53.5pts.

V.O. DICK
Ha!

V.O. SCOTT
That pretty much knocks her out of medal contention.

V.O. DICK
I LOVE this new scoring system!

V.O. TOM
Well SKATER #2 knows the score she needs to beat to move into first place, and here she goes...

SKATER #2 begins her program.

V.O. DICK
Let's get this over with.

V.O. SANDRA
SKATER #2 is an elegant and mature skater at 29 years old.

V.O. DICK
That's Jurassic in skater years.

V.O. TOM
She appears to be skating a safe program tonight, putting her hardest combination at the beginning... and here it comes... the triple salchow, double toe loop combination.. here it is...

V.O. SCOTT (shouting)
Oh no! It's a double salchow! She made it a double-double instead of a triple-double!!

V.O. SANDRA
That will cost her a few points. And under the new scoring system, she will not get extra points for this beautiful choreography. Don't you think her choreography is beautiful, Scotty?

V.O. SCOTT
Oh yes. Top notch. What a shame about the fall.

SKATER #2 continues her program.

V.O. TOM
She has recovered nicely, I will say. It's a real strength.

V.O. DICK
(snorting)
Of course it's a strength. She's had a lot of practice recovering over the years.

V.O. TOM
SKATER #2 is leaving the ice. She's got to be disappointed with that one, but overall I'd say her total performance was more elegant than SKATER #1.

V.O. SCOTTY
I agree, Tom. The judges will reward her showmanship in the other elements that she nailed. It was a nice spin sequence.

SKATER #3 takes the ice.

V.O. TOM
And here come the marks for SKATER #2.

V.O. SCOTTY
57.5... not enough for a medal, surely, but for now she moves into first place.

V.O. TOM
Another interesting story for the Olympic books ... here is SKATER #3 -- from Japan. She is the youngest competitor of the whole Olympic figure skating event this year. She actually qualified for Worlds last year, but wasn't old enough to compete.

V.O. SCOTTY
(gleefully)
I love this girl... I've watched her all week at practice and she's great...

V.O. SANDRA
(murmuring her agreement)
Mmmmm. She has beautiful choreography...

V.O. SCOTTY
.. she's so young, but she has all of the elements of a great skater. This is the future of the sport of figure skating right here. She's good, not a gold medalist probably, but good She's just a bit green, but we'll see her do great things in a few years.

V.O. DICK
I'm green just looking at her.

V.O. TOM
(nervously)
Heh, heh, Dick... sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the rink today!

V.O. DICK
What are you talking about, oh high and mighty chief anchor correspondent?

V.O. TOM
Well, some of your comments have been... unkind.

V.O. DICK
Puh-leeze.

V.O. TOM
Moving on to SKATER #3... she is getting ready to move into her first difficult combination... it's a triple flip followed by a double toe... and....

V.O. SCOTTY
Holy Hot Diggety with Sugar on Top! She NAILED it! You go, sweetie!

V.O. TOM
Spectacular!

V.O. DICK
Whoop. Dee. Do.

V.O. SCOTTY
Such height on that flip! I can't wait to watch it on replay over and over again! I am so pumped!! Here she goes into her next required element ... the spiral sequence.

V.O. DICK
We've seen some ugly positions on the spirals so far tonight, but this one takes the cake.

V.O. SANDRA
Oh I disagree... I think it's lovely. The choreography...

V.O. DICK
Ugh. Wake me up when the Cold War starts.

V.O. TOM
(under his breath)
Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning, champ?

V.O. DICK
I'm serious. If your name isn't Irina or Sasha, this is a waste of my time.

SKATER #3 nails a triple toe loop. The audience goes wild.

V.O. DICK
Blah blah blah. It's the kind of skating we all like to do on a Sunday afternoon at the neighborhood ice rink. Been there.

V.O. TOM
Well that was SKATER #3 from Japan, skating a nearly flawless program tonight. What a rush.

V.O. DICK
But would it kill her to crack a smile? These Japanese skaters take themselves too seriously. It ruins it for me. Blah blah blah.

V.O. SCOTTY
SKATER #3 should be very very proud of herself tonight. What an accomplishment. She is definitely in line for a medal if she can maintain that level of quality in the long program on Thursday.

V.O. SANDRA
I saw her long program in practice. It's really really good.

V.O. TOM
Up next is SKATER #4 from Russia.

V.O. DICK
Finally. Some talent.

V.O. TOM
She is the favorite for the Gold at this Olympics and has come in with the national title, the World title, and she was also the Silver medalist at Salt Lake. This could be her year for Gold and if she wins it, Russia will dominate the sport here in Torino. Unprecedented.

V.O. SCOTTY
Tom, really the only wild card here is SKATER #5 from the USA -- she could be the only real obstacle standing between SKATER#4 and the Gold Medal.

V.O. DICK
That's what I'm talking about. Bring it.

SKATER #4 takes the ice.

V.O. DICK
What the hell is she wearing.

V.O. SANDRA
Pants. This is the first year that women are allowed to do that. Wear pants I mean.

V.O. SCOTTY
Good for her. It totally works for her body type and personality. It's a good look.

V.O. DICK
Sure. It's a great look if you're trying to look like a 13 year old sexually confused boy.

V.O. TOM
This should be a very exciting program. There is an extremely high level of difficulty to this program and SKATER #4 always puts on a good show.

V.O. SANDRA
And Russian Skaters like SKATER #4 are usually trained in classical ballet backgrounds. So you know her choreography will be spot on.

V.O. TOM
Here comes the first combination.... and

V.O. SCOTTY
TERRIFIC!

The audience is cheering.

V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! Did you see the power and height on that salchow?

V.O. DICK
I'm sure it was great. I'm still a bit distracted by the leisure suit she's wearing.

V.O. SANDRA
What a beautiful performance she is giving. She is really showing us her all with this program and the audience loves it. Will be hard to beat.

V.O. TOM
Her final footwork sequence is looking great... and she is saving the spin for last. Right after this planned double toe loop...

V.O. SCOTT
Oooo.. just the teeniest wobble on the landing, but almost unnoticeable. Still really great.

V.O. SANDRA
That's right Scotty. Still really great. She may lose half a point but no more than that.

V.O. DICK
Under the new scoring system, will she lose any points for wearing these stupid pants?

V.O. TOM
Dick.

V.O. DICK
Oh, I'm sorry... was that .... unkind?

V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! What a performance! It's a great night to be SKATER #4. This is where I get REALLY excited!

V.O. DICK
God help us.

V.O. SCOTT
(snapping his fingers)
SKATER #5 better get her game face on, because this is going to be a great showdown!!

V.O. DICK
I think he's about to blow. Stand back.

V.O. TOM
The marks for SKATER #4 are in.... and it looks like.... 66.5!!!

V.O. SANDRA
First place in a commanding lead!

V.O. SCOTT
Amazing! If I were SKATER #5 I'd be a bit nervous after that performance.

V.O. TOM
And speaking of SKATER #5, here she is now...

SKATER #5 arrives on the ice.

V.O. TOM
Another interesting story. You know we saw SKATER #5 at Salt Lake and she came in 10th pace. She changed coaches about 6 times in the last 4 years.

V.O. DICK
The John Kerry of the ice rink. Great drama.

V.O. TOM
The last four years have been all about getting ready for this Olympic Games... for this precise moment. It all comes down to this.

V.O. SANDRA
Oh I love this song choice. I watched her skate this program this week and it's strong.

V.O. SCOTT
I can barely breathe ...

V.O. SANDRA
She is off to a great start. Such strong choreography.

V.O. SCOTT
I'm serious. My heart feels like it's about to stop I'm so excited.

V.O. TOM
And the big combo here is supposed to be a triple salchow double flip -- very difficult -- if she makes this one she will get extra points from the judges. Let's see how she dos... here it comes.... and....

SKATER #5 nails the triple salchow and adds a triple flip. The audience is wild and on their feet in feverish and thunderous applause.

V.O. DICK
OK, that was kind of cool.

V.O. TOM
Amazing!

There is a thud on the microphone.

V.O. SANDRA
Uh.... guys.... I think Scotty passed out.

V.O. DICK
Pansy!

V.O. TOM
Un- KIND, Dick!!!
Somebody get some smelling salts over here, stat!

V.O. DICK
It's what I keep telling you guys. Ice skating has moved into the new millennium. It's not for sissies anymore.

V.O. TOM
Oh for shits sake, Dick. Take off your earpiece and help me move Scotty into the green room will you. Sandra -- hold down the fort -- we'll be back for final results.

There is silence on the air as SKATER #5 heads into her final combination.

V.O. SANDRA
(timidly)
Uh.... yeah.... it looks really good from here.

SKATER #5 ends her program on a very triumphant and strong spin. Thunderous applause.

V.O. SANDRA
That was beautiful choreography.

###

Monday, February 20, 2006

That's What Friends Are For: A Very Short Play

SETTING:
A Japanese hibachi-style restaurant in southwest Florida. MARTHAWHO, MR. MARTHAWHO, MARTHAWHO's BROTHER IN LAW, MARTHAWHO's BEST FRIEND, BEST FRIEND'S HUSBAND and BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER IN LAW are seated at 6 of 24 filled seats around 2 center grills. The restaurant is noisy and it is hard to hear normal conversation.

MARTHAWHO is busy telling BEST FRIEND's BROTHER IN LAW about the latest antics of her two year old daughter.

MARTHAWHO:
... so she has been really feisty that week let me tell you. I mean, major meltdowns -- no, make that multiple major meltdowns every day. She's such a drama queen. She's cute and we love her, but let's just say she's definitely acting her age.

BEST FRIEND (knowingly):
Oh... you must be talking about your mother in law...

CURTAIN.



ps: S, I told you I'd get you into my blog...

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Lunch: Another Short Play

SETTING: The scene is the lanai of MarthaWho's inlaws' condo in southwest Florida. It is midafternoon. We have just arrived back from the beach. It is a beautiful sunny day. The Lanai overlooks the 10th hole of the golf course. The breezy calm is shattered only by the occasional roar of a construction vehicle headed toward the tower being built next door. The family is tearing into a bag of Subway sandwiches as MarthaWho enters, a bit late, from putting LittleMe down for a nap.

MR. MARTHAWHO
Pass me that footlong veggie.

MARTHAWHO
Do you really need a footlong?

MR. MARTHAWHO
Yes.

MARTHAWHO
How do you know? I mean how do you know if you're hungry enough for a footlong, or if you'll just end up eating it because it's there in front of you?

MR. MARTHAWHO looks unconvinced.

MARTHAWHO
Here. Start with half, and I'll have the other half, and if you need the other six inches you can open the other one.

There is a break in the conversation as munching and crunching and drinking ensues.

MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. We was hungry.

MARTHAWHO's FATHER IN LAW:
It's the beach. Everything tastes better after the beach.

Another pause.

FATHER IN LAW:
Yep... Nothing to do at the beach except sleep and eat.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Sleeeeep. I see another nap in my future at the pool after lunch.

MARTHAWHO's BROTHER IN LAW:
The pool. That's a good idea.

A truck with a pneumatic holedigger starts up outside the window. It is digging holes for palm trees to be planted around the new building. MIL is furious.

MOTHER IN LAW:
I hate these trucks. I just hate it.

FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable -- its like they wait until we are sitting down to eat --

MOTHER IN LAW:
-- or read --

FATHER IN LAW:
--or read -- and then they pull up and start in with the noise.

MOTHER IN LAW:
It's terrible. It's the only thing I hate about living here.

MARTHAWHO:
But it won't last forever... I mean, the buildings are almost done, right?

MOTHER IN LAW:
They're two years behind on this building. We thought the people would be all moved in by now.

MARTHAWHO:
It's the last building in the whole community, though, right? So it will all be over soon and you'll never have to deal with the large-scale construction again.

MOTHER IN LAW:
But I hate it. I just hate it.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Well that's what you get for buying a condo in a community that hadn't even been half developed yet. What did you expect?

MARTHAWHO:
This place sure looks alot different.

BROTHER IN LAW:
All you could see was the golf course.

MARTHAWHO:
And there was all that undeveloped land all around this building with a random little pond in the middle of it.

FATHER IN LAW:
The pond is still there.

MOTHER IN LAW:
It's still there. Over by the island, right honey?

FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. They built the pond before they built the island. That's right.
I'll have the mango salsa.

MARTHAWHO pases the mango salsa to him.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Isn't that mango salsa delicious? It's from Costco. It's quite tasty isn't it? You know what it's good on?

MARTHAWHO:
Fish...?

MOTHER IN LAW:
Fish! But really it's good on everything.

More munching and crunching.

MARTHAWHO:
So, whatever happened to that lawsuit between the community and the developers?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Huh?

MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh that one was settled...

MR. MARTHAWHO:
What lawsuit...?

MARTHAWHO:
You know which lawsuit -- don't act like you don't remember.

FATHER IN LAW:
They settled for $1 million.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Basically the judge up in Sarasota -- you know, we had to get a judge up north because the developer has all of the local lawyers under contract if you can believe that -- the judge took one look at the complaint and told them they either had to settle or they would lose big in trial.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Wait -- what lawsuit?

MARTHAWHO:
I swear I'm going to sign you up for the "listening for comprehension" correspondence course.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. I think I'm going to have a mudslide.

MARTHAWHO:
You remember the lawsuit about the buildings not being up to code before they were turned over to the association?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Nope. I totally don' t remember that.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Mudsliiiiiiide....

MOTHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's over and settled and there's still so many problems here. I want to take them all public and go on TV and get on Squawk Box and tell the world about this crappy developer. Honey, I think we're all out of Mudslide mix.... I'm sorry.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Bummer.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Why? What else is going on ?

FATHER IN LAW:
Well basically you know they didn't do the lakes right. They built them too deep.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Too steep.

FATHER IN LAW:
Right. Too deep and too steep. So they are essentially falling in on themselves. You walk around the golf course and you really notice it. Some people have lost up to 10 feet off their back yards.

MARTHAWHO:
Whoa. That's a lot.

FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. So that's a problem.

MOTHER IN LAW:
And the fish are dying.

MARTHAWHO:
Huh?

FATHER IN LAW:
The fish in the ponds -- they are dying. See, the ponds are too deep and too steep and they are not getting enough oxygen in them so the fish are dying. That's a real problem.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Do people fish in the ponds?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah -- I didn't know anyone fished here.

FATHER IN LAW:
No of course not -- nobody fishes here. It's a golf course.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then why is no fish a problem?

FATHER IN LAW:
Well, you know -- because they jump up and down in the water and it's really neat.

MARTHAWHO:
Neat.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Everybody likes to see the fish jumping in the ponds while we play golf. It's really neat.

FATHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's not the only problem. The people over in the far part of the community -- there are also some sewer problems. Some sewers are backing up and the developer will not take responsibility for that either. So we're trying to address that as well.

MOTHER IN LAW:
The crappy developer will not take responsibility because they said they bought the land, but not the sewer system. Which is ridiculous because there wasn't a sewer system here when they bought the land.

BROTHER IN LAW:
There wasn't anything here when they bought the land.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Right. Well anyways, the developer won't fix it, and the town won't fix it, so everyone is up in arms about this as well. It's quite costly to make these huge repairs to your sewer systems and it's just terrible that the developer won't fix this. It makes me so mad.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey I have an idea.

MARTHAWHO:
Yeah... sewer repairs are expensive.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey -- hey. I have an idea.

MOTHER IN LAW:
You know it just makes me mad beause you pay good money for your home here, and then you pay all this money to be a member of the golf club, and then there are monthly association fees and other assessments. Well... you just expect things to be a certain way, and it really is the developer's fault that so many problems haven' t been fixed.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Doesn't anyone want to hear my idea?

MOTHER IN LAW:
Of course, honey. What's your idea?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
So I was thinking someone should make a solar-powered, robotic fish to put in all of your ponds. Then you can still have the jumping fish.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Wouldn't need to worry about oxygen then would you.

MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh! That's not funny.

MARTHAWHO:
Well, it's kind of funny.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
C'mon, Mom -- it's just funny that you think that not having jumping fish is a "real problem" in the community!

MOTHER IN LAW:
I didn't say it was the only problem! There are other more bigger problems.

FATHER IN LAW:
That's true.

MOTHER IN LAW:
There's a really big problem at the club house right now. You know that room we ate dinner in last night? Well, there's that wall between the big room and the smaller room with the fireplace. That wall needs to come down.

Silence.

MOTHER IN LAW:
I'm serious -- it's a very serious problem. We cannot have big events at the club house because the main room is not big enough. Some people always have to sit in that smaller back room.

FATHER IN LAW:
It's terrible -- the plan was flawed from the beginning.

MOTHER IN LAW:
And the ladies locker room? There is this big wall that faces the marina -- it could be a gorgeous view. But it's covered with lockers. An entire wall full of expensive cherry wood lockers. Nobody here uses a locker. We all live within walking distance of the clubhouse -- why would we need a locker? What a waste.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Mom! That is not a "real problem"...!

MARTHAWHO:
Maybe we could take all of the lockers and throw them into the ponds....

BROTHER IN LAW:
.... and build retaining walls in the ponds...

MR. MARTHAWHO:
And make little houses for my robotic fish to live in.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Eventually the cherry wood would break down and create nutrients and maybe real fish could come back.

MARTHAWHO:
Beautiful.

MOTHER IN LAW:
You guys. Stop. Listen. I know it sounds petty but it's not...

MR. MARTHAWHO:
I didn't say it sounded petty --- I just question your priorities.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Yeah... like should I repair the broken sewers, or should I take down a wall in the locker room?

MOTHER IN LAW:
Listen! You get to be a certain... well listen. We're retired now. We pay a lot of money to live here, and now we're accustomed to things being a certain way. It's very frustrating when they are not.

A cement truck pulls up under the lanai and the mixer roars to life. MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW gets up and leaves the room.

FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable. It's like that truck knew we were out here having lunch and some guy said "hey, drive over to the last condo on the let and start up the mixer..."

The cement truck starts honking it's horn. Everyone quietly chuckles.

MOTHER IN LAW (from the kitchen):
Anyone want ice cream?

MARTHAWHO:
Hell yeah.

FATHER IN LAW:
I don't want you to eat alone.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
What kind of ice cream?

MARTHAWHO:
I think there is some light flavor. And maybe some ice cream on a stick.

BROTHER IN LAW:
Oooo. Ice cream on a stick. I like it. I might have some ice cream on a stick.

MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW leaves to make a phone call. MARTHAWHO clears the table, and goes to get the ice cream for everyone. BROTHER IN LAW comes into the kitchen to help.

MARTHAWHO (from inside the freezer door):
What do you think, Bro... want me to grab you a frosty treat?

BROTHER IN LAW:
Yes, if by "frosty treat" you mean "Mudslide"

MARTHAWHO and BROTHER IN LAW bring the ice cream back to the lanai. As MARTHAWHO leans over to give an ice cream bar to MR. MARTHAWHO she notices the extra unopened footlong veggie sub.

MARTHAWHO (picking up the sandwich to put in the fridge):
Did you have enough to eat?

MR. MARTHAWHO nods at MARTHAWHO and smiles as the cement truck starts up again and rumbles away toward the other side of the development.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

What Not to Wear

On Monday we bought Mr. MarthaWho a really delicious Brooks Brother suit. Black, three button, straight leg flat front trousers. Why the heck, you might wonder, why we were buying a dark suit in the middle of Southwest Florida while on vacation?

Mr. MarthaWho had been invited to speak at a conference in Vegas on Wednesday which he had accepted even though it would interrupt our vacation. It wasn't until we arrived in Florida that Mr. MarthaWho revealed that he did not pack a suit or accessories for this little side trip to Vegas. You read that right -- not that he FORGOT to pack the business attire, but that he CHOSE NOT TO.

Mr. MarthaWho is not what you'd call a metrosexual... he could use a little queer eye -- just a smidge -- to help smooth the rough edges. His sometimes obtuse style choices aside, the bigger issue is that he just doesn't care enough about fashion to be bothered. He had planned to borrow everything -- shoes, socks, belt, suit, everything -- by cobbling together an outfit from his Dad in Florida and his brother in Vegas, who have 20 pounds and 6 inches on Mr. MW, respectively.

I mean, really. Can you imagine?

Mr. MW and I used to work at the same performing arts center in our nations capital a thousand years ago. I remember one day at lunch I spilled a huge spoonful of chili on my white blouse. Which would have been annoying on any good day, but was particularly catastrophic this day because I had a huge event with big donors that evening. Needless to say I was freakin out. I was running through the possibilities in my mind -- trying to rinse it out (probably wouldn't work -- this was a huge stain), trying to run out and buy a new shirt (no time -- a million things to do before the event began).

Mr. MW did not think this was a big deal at all and as he calmly kept eating his lunch, he rattled off what he considered to be the best and only options.

The first was that I would turn the shirt inside out.

The second was that I ask to swap my blouse with one of my coworkers who was not working the event.

This conversation escalated into one of the first and most memorable arguments in our relationship. I was frustrated by his apparent lack of sensitivity or compassion to what was an obviously horrific disaster. He was frustrated that I wouldn't lighten up enough to accept that which I could not change and take one of his two perfect solutions. It became the argument against which all subsequent arguments were measured. A decade or more later now, the "Chili Stain Incident" is still part of our familial folklore.

Of course over time relationships evolve. Before you know it, you have accepted things about your partner that once seemed like true deal breakers. And in the process you also learn to change things about yourself, to meet half way, to compromise, to give and take. I guess that's what love is about. I have tried to be less incensed by Mr. MW's crazy suggestions and his lack of fashion consciousness. Mr. MW knows now that, unless you carry an extra clean shirt around with you, sometimes you can't solve a problem and it's better to offer a sympathetic ear instead.

And somehow it all works out.

But sometimes there is an easy solution to a problem. Which brings us back to the Brooks Brother Suit Incident. By the time Mr. MW was speaking in Vegas the only borrowed items were a shirt from Dad and some black shoes from his Bro. And as much as he grumped about spending the money on a suit, he kind of felt like the man in it and talked about it all day.

Sometimes you have to step in and save someone from themselves.

Thankfully, Mr. MW does that for me every day.



ps: I wore a black blazer over my white blouse -- all the way buttoned up. It was July and I looked like an idiot. But nobody ever knew about the Chili.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Now THAT'S What I call Intelligent Design!

I just have been having a huge chuckle over these creation cartoons anaglyph is working up over at the tetherd cow, and thought I'd send some props on over.

Enjoy, y'all.

-M-Dub

Dances with Wolves

This morning, while having some Cheerio's with Mr. MarthaWho and LittleMe, I glanced over my right shoulder and saw something shiny passing through the back yard. Once my pre-caffeinated synapses caught up with my eyes I realized that I had just seen a CAR sailing past my dining room window. And though it was but a second, I also saw enough to know there was a little girl in the passenger seat. Holy shit.

There was no sound -- nothing out of the ordinary. No horns, no screeching tires, nothing to alert us that a motor vehicle was about to careen off of the main road, bypass our driveway, crash through our fence and start flying through the play yard heading straight for the icy river. With LittleMe safely ensconced in her booster seat chewing on a bagel, I screamed for Mr. MW to put his parka on and go out to help, while I called 911. Now, in October we switched from Verizon to a local VoIP carrier and there is no 911 service on VoIP. I remember thinking at the time that this was OK, but man it's SO not. Thankfully we have 2 other land lines in the house for work. By the time I got to 911, I was told a police cruiser was already on the way. Didn't think much of it at the time.

While I was on the phone with police dispatch, I ran to the back of the house and looked out the window. Thankfully the driver and his daughter were out of the car, and I was relieved to note that they had not made it all the way to the river. In fact there were enough objects in the yard that the car was able to be stopped. The only casualties other than his 1984 T-bird were the fence screening in our play area, LittleMe's swingset, and Mr. MarthaWho's new snowblower. It was rush hour, and we happen to live at the exact intersection of two of the main thoroughfares in Portland. The car had apparently lost complete brake function at the top of the hill near our house and he only had a moment to decide what he was going to do. He threw the car in park and pulled the emergency brake, and aimed for our front yard... it was the right thing to do. Had he gone straight into the intersection, he certainly would have been broadsided by an unsuspecting stiff heading to work. That little girl would be in a serious world of hurt if she had survived at all.

As it turned out, they had been to our house before -- the little girl was friends with the little girl that had lived here before we moved here last July. I assume then that maybe they knew there was the fenced in side yard they could use to buffer themselves from the river. Either way they are very very lucky.

The police came, the car was towed, the guys wife came to pick them up and we all made our goodbyes. At that point LittleMe was 1/2 hour late for school so I quickly showered and while I was bundling her up to get into the car I remarked to my husband how odd it was that nobody else pulled over to help. What if we hadn't been home after all? What if the car had made it all the way to the river? Didn't anyone see this happen? It was at the height of rush hour.

When I walked into the school, the director looked at me and said "hey -- you've had an exciting morning haven't you?" I assumed Mr. MW had called in to let them know we were on the way but when I indicated as much, she let me know that Hunter's mommy, the mother of one of my daughter's classmates had been the car directly behind the 1984 T-Bird and had seen the whole thing on the way to bring Hunter to school. She, in fact, had been the one who called 911, thinking there was nothing else she could do with her own toddler in the back seat, as she headed in to school.

Ten years ago, my first boss recommended a book to me. I wish I could remember the title but I cannot -- it was a compilation of stories related by people who had had near-death experiences. Mostly stories of people drifting between life and death after injuries, while recovering from a serious illness, or during life-threatening surgical procedures -- people who saw dead relatives, or other "ghosts" who then came back to life with these tales from some "other side"... the upshot of this book was that the authors believe that all living beings are just fields of energy without beginning or end -- that although the mortal body may eventually die, the energy continues on until the next incarnation. The book takes this reincarnation stuff to the next level by asserting that these energy masses, or souls, are connected permanently to other souls in the larger universe. Like all souls are grouped together and travel through time and the universe in packs, like wolves. And that the purpose of our mortal time on earth is to find and connect with the other souls from our pack. Every time one is reincarnated then, from the moment of "birth" one is searching for the rest of the souls from the pack.

There are degrees of relational intensity - some souls are so closely tied together that the contact in the mortal world must be very very significant. In one "life" it may be that two of these connected souls are a married couple. In another "life" it may be that they are parent and child. In yet another life it may be a man and his dog. Or a bee and a honeysuckle bush.

And on the same line of reasoning, there are souls that are from the same pack, but not necessarily meant to be deeply connected forever and ever. I remember one example from the book being when you are at a party or a soccer game or a rock concert and your eyes lock with someone "familiar" - there is an instant attraction - not on a physical/sexual plane but just on a plane that says you recognize each other from some other place or time. More often than not you do not approach this stranger or engage him in conversation. It's just a fleeting glance, a shared moment of enlightenment, and usually quickly catalogued and forgotten. The authors of this book would contend that these two strangers are in the same "pack" -- and that this one brief look at one another is enough for the soul to reconnect.

And so life would then become just one long (or short depending on the circumstances) quest to reconnect with everyone from the pack. Once everyone has been accounted for you can "die" and start over.

Anyway, it's a weird book, and at the time I largely chalked it up to new agey hooey and never quite looked at my boss the same way again.

But I do think about it from time to time, even ten years later. Especially on days like today -- maybe this morning was a little reunions of some of the souls in my pack. One car accident connected a scared dad and his daughter, the former owners of my house, Hunter's mommy, and my family in a brief but dramatic experience. There are even the supporting players -- the person who sold us the snowblower last month -- the snowblower that stopped the car from going in to the river.

The same people keep popping up over and over again in random ways. It may just be a series of small-world coincidences but it does seem like there are occasional glimpses of order in the universe.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The First Rule of Fight Club is: You Do Not Talk about Fight Club...

Last night I got my first taste of the madness known as Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). Let me back up...

Mr. MarthaWho and I just returned from a lovely getaway to a ski haus up North. The cozy A-Frame is owned by my high school best friends' husband's boss and he graciously lets them use it every year for a ski weekend. This year there were a dozen people including us. A dozen people from a dizzying array of occupations and ages and personalities. A dozen people of all ski-proficiency levels. A dozen people sharing one bathroom. Somehow it all worked out -- it's a beautiful thing when a group of strangers can get together and find common ground for a moment in time, and have a great time in the process.

The secret of course to keeping a dozen people in harmony for 48 hours is to let everyone go where the wind blows them. Saturday was one of those days -- one couple went to scout real estate in the area, one lone snowboarder headed up to the mountain, four people decided to stretch their quads on a cross country trail, the couple with the adorable three month old baby took a drive and ran to the grocery store, and my friend and I spent the day at the haus working on our scrapbooks and making dinner for the evening. We shared all of our respective tales from our adventures when we all reconvened for dinner -- even our beverages showed our different personal preferences as the beer, wine, whiskey, coconut rum, and smirnoff ice was a-flowing, and the apres ski scene was off to a kicking start.

I had known for a while that Saturday evening's itinerary was to include watching a fight on TV. There had been some drama and excitement about bringing satellite receivers and Tivo boxes from home and not knowing if they would work at someone else's house, much less on a TV that looked to be circa 1960. (for the record, it does work).

MarthaWho as it turns out, has a checkered history as a boxing fan. I'll spare the details since they are largely irrelevant to this story, and because I'm sure it is shockingly incongruous to the scrapbooking diva chef rep I've worked to attain in the last decade of my life. But suffice it to say, there was a time I felt the blood and sweat and heat of a match or two from a really good set of golden ringside seats. I had assumed this would be an HBO-style old school Boxing match. I was up for it.

As the pre-game festivites kicked off, I learned how wrong I was. This was not boxing - this was UFC fighting. The best consensus description of UFC was that it was a combination of wrestling, boxing, and street fighting, with a heavy emphasis on martial arts. I should pause here and say that my friend's husband is a smart, gentle guy with a recent black belt in (I think) Kempo, now tearing up the ranks in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu as well. A few of the other guys at the haus were also at various levels of training in one, both, or other martial arts disciplines. I have to say it's an impressive group, and I have a high regard for martial arts training in general. So back to our indoor tailgate party.... it was centered around a years' worth of Tivo'd matches which our gracious host sped through and recapped in fast motion, stopping to re-play highlight matches from 2004 and 2005 to set the stage for the big event.

With the glaring exception of one match which even the guys in the room admitted was the "best ground fight of 2005" (it was a marvelous pas de deux between two very skilled martial arts warriors), the rest of the matches left me with my jaw on the floor. Shattering my context of the comfortably American boxing rules and setting, UFC is played out in "THE OCTAGON" which is a 8-sided ring surround on all sides not by forgiving rope, but by solid chain link fence. There are not very many rules and the ones that do exist are ambiguous-- you can't kick a guy when he's down (although, if you're the guy who's down, you are allowed to kick up at the other guy), you can't use your hands/fingers to grip the chain link for leverage (but you are allowed to use your feet/toes), and you can't kick the opponent in the groin (although apparently this is a recent development, as everyone in the room could remember a time when UFC was full of groin-kickin escapades).

As the evening wore on, and the live event began (which was FORTY DOLLARS on Pay Per View by the way... I could PPV Cinderella Man 11 times for that price to whet my mano a mano appetite. Jesus) I witnessed what a UFC fighter is allowed to do. Here are some highlights:


  • The UFC fighter can sauna, take a laxative, puke, fast, whatever, to drop weight before the weigh in, and then take extraordinary measures to gain all of the weight back before the match. There was a fighter last night that gained 30 freakin' pounds between the weigh in and the match.WTF??? That's like another weight class entirely.
  • The UFC fighter can (and in fact is encouraged) to repeatedly punch the opponent in the head. There was more cauliflower in the OCTAGON than in the produce section at the supermarket.
  • When a wound is opened and blood is gushing, the UFC fighter is encouraged to continue punching the opponent -- preferably on the open wound itself, to make the bleeding worse.
  • The UFC fighter can strangle the opponent until the opponent blacks out.
  • The UFC fighter can lift the opponent and drop him on his head.
  • The UFC fighter can straddle his opponent and use any part of him as a punching bag (except the groin of course). I think this is called the "Pound and Ground"...
  • The UFC victor is apparently encouraged to perform his own special "touchdown-esque" victory dance mocking his opponent.

Where was the beautiful, centered, wax-on wax-off Martial Arts influence?? Where was the sportsmanlike conduct?? Where were the gentleman-ly rules?? Where was the referee or physician, or corner jockey who would stop a fight to close a wound or perform CPR?? The UFC fighters are nearly naked (just trunks and short thin fingerless gloves to protect their knuckles - no shoes, no headgear). This clothing-less status creates a very... slippery environment once the blood and sweat starts flowing, which is usually in the first 60 seconds. I watched in horror as Fighters in mid-card matches were forced to roll around in the blood of the previous fights. The guys in the room said that's because all the fighters are tested for HIV and other blood-bourne diseases, but I saw the two layers of gloves on every referee.

The near-nudity and sold-out Vegas spotlight location are about the only two things separating UFC fighting from your run of the mill street fighting. Most of the undercard fighters looked like frat boy thugs. There was nothing elegant or appealing about the spectacle whatsoever. I couldn't even look at the TV during a few of the matches when catastrophic injuries were ignored (my favorite was one guy who said to his trainer -- I can't see out of my left eye -- but the fight continued anyway until his head was an bloody stump and the winner was squawking his chicken dance above him...)

Even in the bloodiest of the boxing matches (reputable non Mike Tyson boxing matches), cuts are cleaned up, referees stop fights for mortal injuries, and victors are usually respectful of the loser. I was stunned that the articulate, bright, gregarious, and accomplished serious martial arts students in the room were so into this carnage. Their answers were surprising -- there was a prevailing sense in the room that most of these fighters are from humble backgrounds, lacking money and education, and do not have any other options in their lives than to fight in these matches... that this rise above meager surroundings was inspirational. I'm not sure I agree, and while I think this sentiment was perpetuated by a Spike TV reality series on the UFC, I can certainly respect the sentiment -- though I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel a bit sorry for the young thugs in the undercard matches -- they are literally risking their lives for 15 seconds of Spike TV fame. And what future? The guys indicated that UFC fighting is only recognized by the athletic commissions of a handful of states. It's apparently quite huge over in Japan (where there are even fewer rules).

It also could be the fact that it was a PPV event -- to be fair, perhaps the non-PPV, or the non-televised events are more sophisticated. There must be a producer who pulls the strings to make sure there is blood and gore and mutilation to appease us working stiffs who are paying $40 to watch. Gotta give us our money's worth. It's sad to imagine that this is what America is craving right now.

It's funny, because I can kind of see the potential of what this UFC stuff could be -- if it were truly as the guys describe it -- like the one really good 2005 match they showed us. Something very heavy on the martial arts front, between two mature fighters who show a sportsmanly concern for each other's well being after they deliver a righteous rocking.

I would offer the following suggestions to the UFC commison, Spike TV and any other person or party involved in bringing this unneeded violence to America's youth (and the thirtysomething scene as well):

More martial arts artistry and less thug fighting.
More referee intervention when medical attention is obviously needed.
A modified Zamboni with a 100 degree Lysol power spray between matches.

Maybe then I'll reconsider my fan-hood.

For now I'll stick with scrapbooking.


*it was a great weekend! thanks, Mr. and Mrs. B (and Mr. B's boss)!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Haiku, take 2



behold! what treasure -
my Lucky Spinster decal
arrived in the mail.


I didn't think I was really going to get a prize! Thanks, Callie!

Warning! Contents under pressure.

Mr. MarthaWho has been whoring for the man on the left coast this week and I've been flying solo with the rugrat for 5 days.

Most Valuable Lessons Learned:

1. On a day when you're struggling to put a well-balanced kid-friendly meal quickly on the table, ketchup counts as a vegetable.

2. M&M's candies are a a highly sucessful potty-training bribe. As long as she has an M&M in each hand, LittleMe will sit on the potty singing for 20 minutes and actually pee while she's at it. I know food+potty=gross, but don't judge until you've been there. 'Sall I'm sayin.

3. If you accidentally forget to buckle your child into the car seat, it is possible that she'll survive all the way to school without climbing out or spontaneously combusting. (It will however terrify you when you open the door and realize what you've done...)

4. Just when you think your ears are going to bleed from listening to "You Are My Sunshine" for the 1000th time in the car, your child may surprise you by requesting a Santana CD instead. (as in... "more Carlos Sampama. Please.")

5. 23-month old children don't give a damn about watching the State of the Union address.

23-month old children are smart.