The Lunch: Another Short Play
SETTING: The scene is the lanai of MarthaWho's inlaws' condo in southwest Florida. It is midafternoon. We have just arrived back from the beach. It is a beautiful sunny day. The Lanai overlooks the 10th hole of the golf course. The breezy calm is shattered only by the occasional roar of a construction vehicle headed toward the tower being built next door. The family is tearing into a bag of Subway sandwiches as MarthaWho enters, a bit late, from putting LittleMe down for a nap.
MR. MARTHAWHO
Pass me that footlong veggie.
MARTHAWHO
Do you really need a footlong?
MR. MARTHAWHO
Yes.
MARTHAWHO
How do you know? I mean how do you know if you're hungry enough for a footlong, or if you'll just end up eating it because it's there in front of you?
MR. MARTHAWHO looks unconvinced.
MARTHAWHO
Here. Start with half, and I'll have the other half, and if you need the other six inches you can open the other one.
There is a break in the conversation as munching and crunching and drinking ensues.
MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. We was hungry.
MARTHAWHO's FATHER IN LAW:
It's the beach. Everything tastes better after the beach.
Another pause.
FATHER IN LAW:
Yep... Nothing to do at the beach except sleep and eat.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Sleeeeep. I see another nap in my future at the pool after lunch.
MARTHAWHO's BROTHER IN LAW:
The pool. That's a good idea.
A truck with a pneumatic holedigger starts up outside the window. It is digging holes for palm trees to be planted around the new building. MIL is furious.
MOTHER IN LAW:
I hate these trucks. I just hate it.
FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable -- its like they wait until we are sitting down to eat --
MOTHER IN LAW:
-- or read --
FATHER IN LAW:
--or read -- and then they pull up and start in with the noise.
MOTHER IN LAW:
It's terrible. It's the only thing I hate about living here.
MARTHAWHO:
But it won't last forever... I mean, the buildings are almost done, right?
MOTHER IN LAW:
They're two years behind on this building. We thought the people would be all moved in by now.
MARTHAWHO:
It's the last building in the whole community, though, right? So it will all be over soon and you'll never have to deal with the large-scale construction again.
MOTHER IN LAW:
But I hate it. I just hate it.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Well that's what you get for buying a condo in a community that hadn't even been half developed yet. What did you expect?
MARTHAWHO:
This place sure looks alot different.
BROTHER IN LAW:
All you could see was the golf course.
MARTHAWHO:
And there was all that undeveloped land all around this building with a random little pond in the middle of it.
FATHER IN LAW:
The pond is still there.
MOTHER IN LAW:
It's still there. Over by the island, right honey?
FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. They built the pond before they built the island. That's right.
I'll have the mango salsa.
MARTHAWHO pases the mango salsa to him.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Isn't that mango salsa delicious? It's from Costco. It's quite tasty isn't it? You know what it's good on?
MARTHAWHO:
Fish...?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Fish! But really it's good on everything.
More munching and crunching.
MARTHAWHO:
So, whatever happened to that lawsuit between the community and the developers?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh that one was settled...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What lawsuit...?
MARTHAWHO:
You know which lawsuit -- don't act like you don't remember.
FATHER IN LAW:
They settled for $1 million.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Basically the judge up in Sarasota -- you know, we had to get a judge up north because the developer has all of the local lawyers under contract if you can believe that -- the judge took one look at the complaint and told them they either had to settle or they would lose big in trial.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Wait -- what lawsuit?
MARTHAWHO:
I swear I'm going to sign you up for the "listening for comprehension" correspondence course.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. I think I'm going to have a mudslide.
MARTHAWHO:
You remember the lawsuit about the buildings not being up to code before they were turned over to the association?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Nope. I totally don' t remember that.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Mudsliiiiiiide....
MOTHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's over and settled and there's still so many problems here. I want to take them all public and go on TV and get on Squawk Box and tell the world about this crappy developer. Honey, I think we're all out of Mudslide mix.... I'm sorry.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Bummer.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Why? What else is going on ?
FATHER IN LAW:
Well basically you know they didn't do the lakes right. They built them too deep.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Too steep.
FATHER IN LAW:
Right. Too deep and too steep. So they are essentially falling in on themselves. You walk around the golf course and you really notice it. Some people have lost up to 10 feet off their back yards.
MARTHAWHO:
Whoa. That's a lot.
FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. So that's a problem.
MOTHER IN LAW:
And the fish are dying.
MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
FATHER IN LAW:
The fish in the ponds -- they are dying. See, the ponds are too deep and too steep and they are not getting enough oxygen in them so the fish are dying. That's a real problem.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Do people fish in the ponds?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah -- I didn't know anyone fished here.
FATHER IN LAW:
No of course not -- nobody fishes here. It's a golf course.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then why is no fish a problem?
FATHER IN LAW:
Well, you know -- because they jump up and down in the water and it's really neat.
MARTHAWHO:
Neat.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Everybody likes to see the fish jumping in the ponds while we play golf. It's really neat.
FATHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's not the only problem. The people over in the far part of the community -- there are also some sewer problems. Some sewers are backing up and the developer will not take responsibility for that either. So we're trying to address that as well.
MOTHER IN LAW:
The crappy developer will not take responsibility because they said they bought the land, but not the sewer system. Which is ridiculous because there wasn't a sewer system here when they bought the land.
BROTHER IN LAW:
There wasn't anything here when they bought the land.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Right. Well anyways, the developer won't fix it, and the town won't fix it, so everyone is up in arms about this as well. It's quite costly to make these huge repairs to your sewer systems and it's just terrible that the developer won't fix this. It makes me so mad.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey I have an idea.
MARTHAWHO:
Yeah... sewer repairs are expensive.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey -- hey. I have an idea.
MOTHER IN LAW:
You know it just makes me mad beause you pay good money for your home here, and then you pay all this money to be a member of the golf club, and then there are monthly association fees and other assessments. Well... you just expect things to be a certain way, and it really is the developer's fault that so many problems haven' t been fixed.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Doesn't anyone want to hear my idea?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Of course, honey. What's your idea?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
So I was thinking someone should make a solar-powered, robotic fish to put in all of your ponds. Then you can still have the jumping fish.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Wouldn't need to worry about oxygen then would you.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh! That's not funny.
MARTHAWHO:
Well, it's kind of funny.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
C'mon, Mom -- it's just funny that you think that not having jumping fish is a "real problem" in the community!
MOTHER IN LAW:
I didn't say it was the only problem! There are other more bigger problems.
FATHER IN LAW:
That's true.
MOTHER IN LAW:
There's a really big problem at the club house right now. You know that room we ate dinner in last night? Well, there's that wall between the big room and the smaller room with the fireplace. That wall needs to come down.
Silence.
MOTHER IN LAW:
I'm serious -- it's a very serious problem. We cannot have big events at the club house because the main room is not big enough. Some people always have to sit in that smaller back room.
FATHER IN LAW:
It's terrible -- the plan was flawed from the beginning.
MOTHER IN LAW:
And the ladies locker room? There is this big wall that faces the marina -- it could be a gorgeous view. But it's covered with lockers. An entire wall full of expensive cherry wood lockers. Nobody here uses a locker. We all live within walking distance of the clubhouse -- why would we need a locker? What a waste.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Mom! That is not a "real problem"...!
MARTHAWHO:
Maybe we could take all of the lockers and throw them into the ponds....
BROTHER IN LAW:
.... and build retaining walls in the ponds...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
And make little houses for my robotic fish to live in.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Eventually the cherry wood would break down and create nutrients and maybe real fish could come back.
MARTHAWHO:
Beautiful.
MOTHER IN LAW:
You guys. Stop. Listen. I know it sounds petty but it's not...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I didn't say it sounded petty --- I just question your priorities.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Yeah... like should I repair the broken sewers, or should I take down a wall in the locker room?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Listen! You get to be a certain... well listen. We're retired now. We pay a lot of money to live here, and now we're accustomed to things being a certain way. It's very frustrating when they are not.
A cement truck pulls up under the lanai and the mixer roars to life. MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW gets up and leaves the room.
FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable. It's like that truck knew we were out here having lunch and some guy said "hey, drive over to the last condo on the let and start up the mixer..."
The cement truck starts honking it's horn. Everyone quietly chuckles.
MOTHER IN LAW (from the kitchen):
Anyone want ice cream?
MARTHAWHO:
Hell yeah.
FATHER IN LAW:
I don't want you to eat alone.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What kind of ice cream?
MARTHAWHO:
I think there is some light flavor. And maybe some ice cream on a stick.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Oooo. Ice cream on a stick. I like it. I might have some ice cream on a stick.
MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW leaves to make a phone call. MARTHAWHO clears the table, and goes to get the ice cream for everyone. BROTHER IN LAW comes into the kitchen to help.
MARTHAWHO (from inside the freezer door):
What do you think, Bro... want me to grab you a frosty treat?
BROTHER IN LAW:
Yes, if by "frosty treat" you mean "Mudslide"
MARTHAWHO and BROTHER IN LAW bring the ice cream back to the lanai. As MARTHAWHO leans over to give an ice cream bar to MR. MARTHAWHO she notices the extra unopened footlong veggie sub.
MARTHAWHO (picking up the sandwich to put in the fridge):
Did you have enough to eat?
MR. MARTHAWHO nods at MARTHAWHO and smiles as the cement truck starts up again and rumbles away toward the other side of the development.
MR. MARTHAWHO
Pass me that footlong veggie.
MARTHAWHO
Do you really need a footlong?
MR. MARTHAWHO
Yes.
MARTHAWHO
How do you know? I mean how do you know if you're hungry enough for a footlong, or if you'll just end up eating it because it's there in front of you?
MR. MARTHAWHO looks unconvinced.
MARTHAWHO
Here. Start with half, and I'll have the other half, and if you need the other six inches you can open the other one.
There is a break in the conversation as munching and crunching and drinking ensues.
MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. We was hungry.
MARTHAWHO's FATHER IN LAW:
It's the beach. Everything tastes better after the beach.
Another pause.
FATHER IN LAW:
Yep... Nothing to do at the beach except sleep and eat.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Sleeeeep. I see another nap in my future at the pool after lunch.
MARTHAWHO's BROTHER IN LAW:
The pool. That's a good idea.
A truck with a pneumatic holedigger starts up outside the window. It is digging holes for palm trees to be planted around the new building. MIL is furious.
MOTHER IN LAW:
I hate these trucks. I just hate it.
FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable -- its like they wait until we are sitting down to eat --
MOTHER IN LAW:
-- or read --
FATHER IN LAW:
--or read -- and then they pull up and start in with the noise.
MOTHER IN LAW:
It's terrible. It's the only thing I hate about living here.
MARTHAWHO:
But it won't last forever... I mean, the buildings are almost done, right?
MOTHER IN LAW:
They're two years behind on this building. We thought the people would be all moved in by now.
MARTHAWHO:
It's the last building in the whole community, though, right? So it will all be over soon and you'll never have to deal with the large-scale construction again.
MOTHER IN LAW:
But I hate it. I just hate it.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Well that's what you get for buying a condo in a community that hadn't even been half developed yet. What did you expect?
MARTHAWHO:
This place sure looks alot different.
BROTHER IN LAW:
All you could see was the golf course.
MARTHAWHO:
And there was all that undeveloped land all around this building with a random little pond in the middle of it.
FATHER IN LAW:
The pond is still there.
MOTHER IN LAW:
It's still there. Over by the island, right honey?
FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. They built the pond before they built the island. That's right.
I'll have the mango salsa.
MARTHAWHO pases the mango salsa to him.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Isn't that mango salsa delicious? It's from Costco. It's quite tasty isn't it? You know what it's good on?
MARTHAWHO:
Fish...?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Fish! But really it's good on everything.
More munching and crunching.
MARTHAWHO:
So, whatever happened to that lawsuit between the community and the developers?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh that one was settled...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What lawsuit...?
MARTHAWHO:
You know which lawsuit -- don't act like you don't remember.
FATHER IN LAW:
They settled for $1 million.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Basically the judge up in Sarasota -- you know, we had to get a judge up north because the developer has all of the local lawyers under contract if you can believe that -- the judge took one look at the complaint and told them they either had to settle or they would lose big in trial.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Wait -- what lawsuit?
MARTHAWHO:
I swear I'm going to sign you up for the "listening for comprehension" correspondence course.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Mmmmm. I think I'm going to have a mudslide.
MARTHAWHO:
You remember the lawsuit about the buildings not being up to code before they were turned over to the association?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Nope. I totally don' t remember that.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Mudsliiiiiiide....
MOTHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's over and settled and there's still so many problems here. I want to take them all public and go on TV and get on Squawk Box and tell the world about this crappy developer. Honey, I think we're all out of Mudslide mix.... I'm sorry.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Bummer.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Why? What else is going on ?
FATHER IN LAW:
Well basically you know they didn't do the lakes right. They built them too deep.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Too steep.
FATHER IN LAW:
Right. Too deep and too steep. So they are essentially falling in on themselves. You walk around the golf course and you really notice it. Some people have lost up to 10 feet off their back yards.
MARTHAWHO:
Whoa. That's a lot.
FATHER IN LAW:
Yeah. So that's a problem.
MOTHER IN LAW:
And the fish are dying.
MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
FATHER IN LAW:
The fish in the ponds -- they are dying. See, the ponds are too deep and too steep and they are not getting enough oxygen in them so the fish are dying. That's a real problem.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Do people fish in the ponds?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah -- I didn't know anyone fished here.
FATHER IN LAW:
No of course not -- nobody fishes here. It's a golf course.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then why is no fish a problem?
FATHER IN LAW:
Well, you know -- because they jump up and down in the water and it's really neat.
MARTHAWHO:
Neat.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Everybody likes to see the fish jumping in the ponds while we play golf. It's really neat.
FATHER IN LAW:
Anyway, that's not the only problem. The people over in the far part of the community -- there are also some sewer problems. Some sewers are backing up and the developer will not take responsibility for that either. So we're trying to address that as well.
MOTHER IN LAW:
The crappy developer will not take responsibility because they said they bought the land, but not the sewer system. Which is ridiculous because there wasn't a sewer system here when they bought the land.
BROTHER IN LAW:
There wasn't anything here when they bought the land.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Right. Well anyways, the developer won't fix it, and the town won't fix it, so everyone is up in arms about this as well. It's quite costly to make these huge repairs to your sewer systems and it's just terrible that the developer won't fix this. It makes me so mad.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey I have an idea.
MARTHAWHO:
Yeah... sewer repairs are expensive.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey -- hey. I have an idea.
MOTHER IN LAW:
You know it just makes me mad beause you pay good money for your home here, and then you pay all this money to be a member of the golf club, and then there are monthly association fees and other assessments. Well... you just expect things to be a certain way, and it really is the developer's fault that so many problems haven' t been fixed.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Doesn't anyone want to hear my idea?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Of course, honey. What's your idea?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
So I was thinking someone should make a solar-powered, robotic fish to put in all of your ponds. Then you can still have the jumping fish.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Wouldn't need to worry about oxygen then would you.
MOTHER IN LAW:
Oh! That's not funny.
MARTHAWHO:
Well, it's kind of funny.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
C'mon, Mom -- it's just funny that you think that not having jumping fish is a "real problem" in the community!
MOTHER IN LAW:
I didn't say it was the only problem! There are other more bigger problems.
FATHER IN LAW:
That's true.
MOTHER IN LAW:
There's a really big problem at the club house right now. You know that room we ate dinner in last night? Well, there's that wall between the big room and the smaller room with the fireplace. That wall needs to come down.
Silence.
MOTHER IN LAW:
I'm serious -- it's a very serious problem. We cannot have big events at the club house because the main room is not big enough. Some people always have to sit in that smaller back room.
FATHER IN LAW:
It's terrible -- the plan was flawed from the beginning.
MOTHER IN LAW:
And the ladies locker room? There is this big wall that faces the marina -- it could be a gorgeous view. But it's covered with lockers. An entire wall full of expensive cherry wood lockers. Nobody here uses a locker. We all live within walking distance of the clubhouse -- why would we need a locker? What a waste.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Mom! That is not a "real problem"...!
MARTHAWHO:
Maybe we could take all of the lockers and throw them into the ponds....
BROTHER IN LAW:
.... and build retaining walls in the ponds...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
And make little houses for my robotic fish to live in.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Eventually the cherry wood would break down and create nutrients and maybe real fish could come back.
MARTHAWHO:
Beautiful.
MOTHER IN LAW:
You guys. Stop. Listen. I know it sounds petty but it's not...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I didn't say it sounded petty --- I just question your priorities.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Yeah... like should I repair the broken sewers, or should I take down a wall in the locker room?
MOTHER IN LAW:
Listen! You get to be a certain... well listen. We're retired now. We pay a lot of money to live here, and now we're accustomed to things being a certain way. It's very frustrating when they are not.
A cement truck pulls up under the lanai and the mixer roars to life. MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW gets up and leaves the room.
FATHER IN LAW:
It is remarkable. It's like that truck knew we were out here having lunch and some guy said "hey, drive over to the last condo on the let and start up the mixer..."
The cement truck starts honking it's horn. Everyone quietly chuckles.
MOTHER IN LAW (from the kitchen):
Anyone want ice cream?
MARTHAWHO:
Hell yeah.
FATHER IN LAW:
I don't want you to eat alone.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What kind of ice cream?
MARTHAWHO:
I think there is some light flavor. And maybe some ice cream on a stick.
BROTHER IN LAW:
Oooo. Ice cream on a stick. I like it. I might have some ice cream on a stick.
MARTHAWHO's MOTHER IN LAW leaves to make a phone call. MARTHAWHO clears the table, and goes to get the ice cream for everyone. BROTHER IN LAW comes into the kitchen to help.
MARTHAWHO (from inside the freezer door):
What do you think, Bro... want me to grab you a frosty treat?
BROTHER IN LAW:
Yes, if by "frosty treat" you mean "Mudslide"
MARTHAWHO and BROTHER IN LAW bring the ice cream back to the lanai. As MARTHAWHO leans over to give an ice cream bar to MR. MARTHAWHO she notices the extra unopened footlong veggie sub.
MARTHAWHO (picking up the sandwich to put in the fridge):
Did you have enough to eat?
MR. MARTHAWHO nods at MARTHAWHO and smiles as the cement truck starts up again and rumbles away toward the other side of the development.
posted by Martha Who? | 12:21 PM
3 Comments:
Ok, so you made me a) want a sandwich; b) want ice cream; c) want to scream at the in-laws (I love how the sewer system never came up again, despite Mr MW's efforts); d) get generally annoyed with people. Or at least reinforced an annoy-ment that was already present.
Mudsliiiiide!
a) How did Mr. MW turn out the way he did?
b) How near to cirrhosis of the liver is BiL?
c) How in the hell do you remember all this?
d) How in the hell do intelligent people (i.e. MiL and FiL) get their priorities so out of whack?
p.s. Going solar anything is cool.
Guys, believe me. The answer to BD's letter d: is the crux of the issue ... how in the hell do intelligent people get their priorities so out of whack? One word: RETIREMENT.
As for how I remember it all... how could I forget it? Sometimes everything around me seems like a play as it is unfolding. I am an incredulous audience member and unwitting ensemble member and I can see the lines on the page in my head. I'm just a messenger from the trenches, laddies.
Glad you're both well, BTW. Hugs,
MW
PS: BiL knows how to have a great time, but I think you'd find him to be the sweetest most mature one in the lot! (no offense, mr. M-Dub ;))
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