THE Biggest Threat To Homeland Security You Never Knew About

SETTING:
Airport security line. Mr. and Mrs MARTHAWHO are on their way to NYC for the weekend. MR. MARTHAWHO has sailed through the security line. MARTHAWHO is pulled out for a bag check much to MR. MARTHAWHO'S chagrin. A voice on the loudspeaker indicates the NYC flight is boarding.

BAGGAGE SCREENER:
(pulling a black backpack off the belt)
This your bag, ma'am?

MARTHAWHO:
Yes.

BAGGAGE SCREENER:
Bag Check!

TSA AGENT:
(taking black backpack)
This your bag, ma'am?

MARTHAWHO:
Yes.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
(getting antsy)
I'm gonna run to the gate and tell them to hold the plane.

MARTHAWHO:
Don't be ridiculous. They're not going to leave without us. That would be ridiculous. It's not our fault the line was so long and now I'm getting pulled out.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Still.

TSA AGENT:
(carrying the bag to a separate table)
Is this a breastpump?

MARTHAWHO:
Yup.

TSA AGENT:
I'm going to have to go through the bag ma'am. Is that okay?

MARTHAWHO:
I don't suppose I could say no.

(TSA Agent silently unzips the backpack)

MARTHAWHO:
Yeah yeah, sure whatever. Go ahead.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh come on...

MARTHAWHO:
Would you relax? This is going to take 2 minutes. They're not going to leave without us.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
They're not going to hold the plane if they don't know we're here.

(TSA agent is removing all of the parts of the breast pump and spreading them out over the table)

MARTHAWHO:
They do know we're here because we checked in with them.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
So?

MARTHAWHO:
So they'll page us or something.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
I doubt that.

TSA AGENT:
(unzipping the cooler for baby bottles and removing a frozen bottle divider)
This an ice pack?

MARTHAWHO:
A what? No, no... it's not a regular ice pack or anything. It's just a frozen divider to keep the milk cold.

TSA AGENT:
Do you really need it?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
No. Just throw it away.

MARTHAWHO:
(glaring at MR. MW)
Do NOT throw it away. I do need it because I'm planning on pumping milk in NYC and freezing it there, and bringing it back for my 3 month old baby.

TSA AGENT:
I don't see any milk in there right now, though.

MARTHAWHO:
Well, that's because I haven't used the pump yet, right?

TSA AGENT:
Well if the ice pack isn't keeping anything cold right now, then it doesn't seem to be essential to this cooler.

MARTHAWHO:
You're not serious.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Throw it away. Just throw it away.

MARTHAWHO:
Shut up, honey.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Seriously. We'll buy a new one when we get to New York.

MARTHAWHO:
As if! Like there is a Medela breastfeeding store on every corner in Manhattan? Jesus.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh you can find anything in New York.

MARTHAWHO:
(getting pissed)
You are so stupid!

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then we'll just find something else. We're going to miss the flight.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh for Christ's sake just go to the gate.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
(Sprinting off)
Throw it away. Seriously. This is ridiculous.

TSA AGENT:
So....?

MARTHAWHO:
So.... you were telling me that because I didn't have any milk in here the ice pack was not, what was the word.... essential?

TSA AGENT:
That's correct.

MARTHAWHO:
So if I had one bottle of milk in there, it would be OK to bring the ice pack on the plane?

TSA AGENT:
Yes. I think we could allow it then.

MARTHAWHO:
Excuse me but that doesn't make any sense.

TSA AGENT:
I could ask my supervisor.

MARTHAWHO:
Yes. Please do that.

(The TSA Agent walks off. MARTHAWHO looks across the terminal to the NYC gate and sees MR. MARTHAWHO standing impatiently staring back at her).

TSA AGENT:
(returning)
Sorry. You can't bring this on the plane.

MARTHAWHO:
You are really classifying this as a liquid? It's completely frozen, and I think when it's melted it's like one ounce of water inside a sealed, un-openable divider. Seriously -- look at it -- it cannot be opened. It's solid. I couldn't even puncture it if I wanted to.

TSA AGENT:
(returning other items back into the backpack)
Sorry. There's nothing I can do.

MARTHAWHO:
You do understand that if I don't take this divider I will not be able to keep anything cold and I'll have to throw away all of the milk before I come back?

TSA AGENT:
Maybe you could add some ice cubes to the back before coming back?

MARTHAWHO:
Whatever. Just throw the fucking thing away.

TSA AGENT:
I'm really sorry about this.

MARTHAWHO:
Whatever. We're late.

TSA AGENT:
(separating out a ziploc bag)
And this too... this will have to go.

MARTHAWHO:
That? That is a pack of antibacterial wipes to clean the parts while I'm traveling. It's not a liquid!

TSA AGENT:
There is some moisture here in the ziploc bag.

MARTHAWHO:
It's like condensation or something -- seriously. This is ridiculous.

TSA AGENT:
Well the wipes are wet aren't they?

MARTHAWHO:
Are you serious??? I mean, you'd let me bring regular diaper wipes on the plane if I had a baby with me wouldn't you?

TSA AGENT:
I'd let you bring all of this stuff with you on the plane if you had your baby with you.

MARTHAWHO:
What?

TSA AGENT:
The TSA rules say that if you're traveling with your infant you can have all of these items with you. There are allowances for larger amounts of liquids and baby food and supplies, etcetera.

MARTHAWHO:
If I was traveling with my infant, I wouldn't need to bring a breast pump with me, now, would I?

TSA AGENT:
I don't make the rules, ma'am.

MARTHAWHO:
(pissed)
Let me get this straight then. Just so I'm clear the next time. It's OK for me to bring the actual pump on the airplane. With the motor, and moving parts, and plastic tubing, and 12 double A batteries and an AC Adapter and various metal pieces etcetera...?

TSA AGENT:
Well, yes ma'am. It's obviously just all parts of the pump itself. It would be like us saying you couldn't bring the adapters and spare batteries and chargers for cellphones and laptops. You could imagine the outcry we'd have then.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh yeah. We don't want to piss off any business travelers with all of the essential electronics that could also come in handy with bomb making. But I cannot bring a package of 12 antibacterial wipes, or a frozen non-liquid bottle divider with me.

TSA AGENT:
Not without the infant, ma'am.

MARTHAWHO:
(sarcastically)
Not without the infant then. Yes. Okay. I see. This all makes just perfect sense.

TSA AGENT:
It's out of my hands, ma'am. I'm sorry. Here's your bag.

MARTHAWHO:
Whatever.

TSA AGENT:
I hope you have a really great trip.

(MARTHAWHO looks at the gate where MR. MARTHAWHO is waving wildly like he's going to leave without her)

MARTHAWHO:
Yeah.

(MARTHAWHO walks off toward the gate, feeling largely like a second-class citizen in her own country).

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