Stuck In the Middle
SETTING:
The MarthaWho Household. MarthaWho is reading CNN online and Mr. MarthaWho is running around getting ready for a meeting.
MARTHAWHO:
Charles Carl Roberts.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
MARTHAWHO:
Charles Carl Roberts. The guy who killed those Amish schoolgirls this week.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What about him? I'm listening but I have to get ready for this meeting.
MARTHAWHO:
Well I mean, yesterday he was just plain old Charles Roberts, but today he is Charles Carl Roberts!
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I don't get it.
MARTHAWHO:
You know -- like simply being born into a middle name like Carl made him into the psychopath he is today.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Talk louder. I'm listening but I have to go upstairs to change my shirt.
MARTHAWHO:
(yelling)
I mean, don't you think it's weird that when someone in this country commits an unspeakable crime, their middle name becomes so important? Like that fuck-up that confessed to JonBenet Ramsey's murder this summer? He went from being John Karr, garden-variety pedophile, to being John Michael Karr when he confessed to a crime.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Uh-huh.
MARTHAWHO:
Except he didn't really commit that crime it turns out. It would be interesting to see how CNN and the other media refer to him now that he's only a regular ol' sex offender again. What a disappointment for them... But really when you think about it, it's peculiar isn't it?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Honestly honey I haven't given it much thought.
MARTHAWHO:
Well think about it! I mean, was John Wilkes Booth always called John Wilkes Booth? Or Lee Harvey Oswald? When did Harvey become so important. Was it always like that? As in prom night for example, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my date, John Wilkes Booth!"
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I'll bet he didn't go to a prom.
MARTHAWHO:
But you see what I mean, right? It's peculiar. And very American in some way. The idea of needing to manufacture more drama by elevating one's middle name to such notoriety. I mean the only time I've ever heard my own middle name spoken aloud was during our wedding, and I guess maybe at my high school and college graduation ceremonies.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey - what time is it anyway?
MARTHAWHO:
It's ten-forty.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Fuck. I'm going to be late.
MARTHAWHO:
You know what else is funny -- the middle name thing seems to apply mostly to assasins who had single victims. There are some, but not too many serial killers you hear about with such elevated middle name status. What's Charles Manson's middle name? What about Jeffrey Dahmer?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
So is there a point honey? Cause I really am in a hurry up here.
MARTHAWHO:
I don't know why people don't care about these things like I do.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
You're bored with your job. You need to find something else to do.
MARTHAWHO:
I'm just sorry you don't appreciate my passion for the most nauseating of minor details.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
(rushing downstairs, collecting his BlackBerry and carkeys)
Oh I care, honey. I really do appreciate it. But I have to go.
MARTHAWHO:
Particularly as we prepare to bestow a name upon our second child.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh gawwwd.....
MARTHAWHO:
What we choose as a name could predestine her for a life of violent crime. I mean, should she be known as Sally Elizabeth K_______? or Sally Carl K____________?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Are we naming this kid Sally? News to me.
MARTHAWHO:
I'm just saying...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I gotta go. Why don't you go blog about this and get it out of your system.
MARTHAWHO:
Ok.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then seriously. Find something else to do with your time today.
#####
The MarthaWho Household. MarthaWho is reading CNN online and Mr. MarthaWho is running around getting ready for a meeting.
MARTHAWHO:
Charles Carl Roberts.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
MARTHAWHO:
Charles Carl Roberts. The guy who killed those Amish schoolgirls this week.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
What about him? I'm listening but I have to get ready for this meeting.
MARTHAWHO:
Well I mean, yesterday he was just plain old Charles Roberts, but today he is Charles Carl Roberts!
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I don't get it.
MARTHAWHO:
You know -- like simply being born into a middle name like Carl made him into the psychopath he is today.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Talk louder. I'm listening but I have to go upstairs to change my shirt.
MARTHAWHO:
(yelling)
I mean, don't you think it's weird that when someone in this country commits an unspeakable crime, their middle name becomes so important? Like that fuck-up that confessed to JonBenet Ramsey's murder this summer? He went from being John Karr, garden-variety pedophile, to being John Michael Karr when he confessed to a crime.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Uh-huh.
MARTHAWHO:
Except he didn't really commit that crime it turns out. It would be interesting to see how CNN and the other media refer to him now that he's only a regular ol' sex offender again. What a disappointment for them... But really when you think about it, it's peculiar isn't it?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Honestly honey I haven't given it much thought.
MARTHAWHO:
Well think about it! I mean, was John Wilkes Booth always called John Wilkes Booth? Or Lee Harvey Oswald? When did Harvey become so important. Was it always like that? As in prom night for example, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my date, John Wilkes Booth!"
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I'll bet he didn't go to a prom.
MARTHAWHO:
But you see what I mean, right? It's peculiar. And very American in some way. The idea of needing to manufacture more drama by elevating one's middle name to such notoriety. I mean the only time I've ever heard my own middle name spoken aloud was during our wedding, and I guess maybe at my high school and college graduation ceremonies.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Hey - what time is it anyway?
MARTHAWHO:
It's ten-forty.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Fuck. I'm going to be late.
MARTHAWHO:
You know what else is funny -- the middle name thing seems to apply mostly to assasins who had single victims. There are some, but not too many serial killers you hear about with such elevated middle name status. What's Charles Manson's middle name? What about Jeffrey Dahmer?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
So is there a point honey? Cause I really am in a hurry up here.
MARTHAWHO:
I don't know why people don't care about these things like I do.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
You're bored with your job. You need to find something else to do.
MARTHAWHO:
I'm just sorry you don't appreciate my passion for the most nauseating of minor details.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
(rushing downstairs, collecting his BlackBerry and carkeys)
Oh I care, honey. I really do appreciate it. But I have to go.
MARTHAWHO:
Particularly as we prepare to bestow a name upon our second child.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh gawwwd.....
MARTHAWHO:
What we choose as a name could predestine her for a life of violent crime. I mean, should she be known as Sally Elizabeth K_______? or Sally Carl K____________?
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Are we naming this kid Sally? News to me.
MARTHAWHO:
I'm just saying...
MR. MARTHAWHO:
I gotta go. Why don't you go blog about this and get it out of your system.
MARTHAWHO:
Ok.
MR. MARTHAWHO:
Then seriously. Find something else to do with your time today.
#####
posted by Martha Who? | 7:54 AM
2 Comments:
You are totally right. It IS peculiar. If I may be so bold as to observe that I think there are only two types of people that would make this kind of observation: Pregnant women and cultural critics w/ degrees in linguistics.
Pregos because they are considering the life that is about to spring forth from their womb and claim a future on the world stage, bet it large or small. Makes total sense to that perspective. An every-pregnant-woman you are. Fabulous.
And the culture critics with a degree in linguistics just 'cause I needed to come up with some pseudo heady intellectual comparison that was likely. Don't you think? Like, if Noam Chomsky was to get totally meta in a recurring column on Media Matters or some heady E! centric program that PBS whipped up...
And throwing in the middle name makes it more dramatic the same way adding syllables ad nauseam makes you sound smarter. Fek'n news media.
Good observation. It might be even meatier than you realize.
Ever since he was running for president, Bush has been making his middle name part of his very identity as a politician. How many bumper stickers did we all see a couple of years ago with nothing but a big ol' italicized, sans-serif W on them? They just wanted to be careful not to focus on the entire middle name... I mean, that would have been like giving away the ending to the movie before anyone else had seen it.
So my question is, When do we start the drive to call him "George Walker Bush"?
Hope all is well. IF you're in the midst of delivering something, or have done so, congrats. Hope all goes well.
(term of friendship & affection),
-milner
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