This Phone Call Was Recorded for Quality Assurances
OPERATOR:
Thank you for calling Fidelity Investments. This is Kristy, how can I help you today?
MARTHAWHO:
Yes, hi, Kristy. Thank you. I'll give you the quick run down. I called you all back in July about rolling over my retirement account. At that time you told me I couldn't roll over my account because I had the wrong address on my records.
KRISTY:
Yes. That is our policy.
MARTHAWHO:
I totally understand. I had moved over a year ago and I hadn't updated the address. My bad. Anyway, the person I spoke to took my new address information and updated it, and then told me that it would take about two weeks for it to be updated because a letter of confirmation needed to be sent to my old address and my new address informing me of that change.
KRISTY:
Yes that is correct.
MARTHAWHO:
And that I could not roll over my account, or many any changes, or access it in any way until the change took place in the system.
KRISTY:
Yes. I can see we froze your account for security purposes.
MARTHAWHO:
Right. So anyway, it's been 8 weeks and I'm calling you back now to get this account rolled over.
KRISTY:
OK no problem.
MARTHAWHO:
So my account is then, un-frozen, is it?
KRISTY:
Yes. We can roll over the balance now.
MARTHAWHO:
Perfect.
KRISTY:
So the next step, is that we will need to send you some paperwork for your husband to fill out.
MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
KRISTY:
Well in order to roll over your account we need to have your spouse's consent.
MARTHAWHO:
How do you even know if I'm married. You have my single/maiden name on the record and I list my brother as the beneficiary.
KRISTY:
How long have you had this account open with us?
MARTHAWHO:
It's been about ten years. I only worked in that job for about 9 months. There' s like nothing in the account. I just need to close it before my financial advisor drives me insane.
KRISTY:
Ha ha. I understand. So I'll send that spousal consent form out to you right away then.
MARTHAWHO:
What if I told you I wasn't married?
KRISTY:
If you're not married than I can close your account and send you a check today. But if you're married, I'm required to get spousal consent first.
MARTHAWHO:
No offense, but it's my money isn't it?
KRISTY:
Of course.
MARTHAWHO:
So why, if I was married (and I'm not saying that I am), would I need my domestic partner's consent to roll it over into a new account?
KRISTY:
It's a policy of our company and also of the state you live in.
MARTHAWHO:
Well that's shit, pardon my french, because I have rolled over three other accounts with three other companies this summer, and they just closed my account on the phone and sent checks out to my new 401(k) company.
KRISTY:
(sighing)
I cannot speak for the questionable practices of other companies, Ms. ________.
MARTHAWHO:
Questionable? What is questionable about someone giving me the money that I own?
KRISTY:
We simply need to verify that you are who you are so that we aren't closing someone's account under fraudulent circumstances.
MARTHAWHO:
So I'm sorry -- you weren't able to verify who I was at the beginning of this call by getting my social security number, address, former employer information, my mother's maiden name, my first pet's name, the town I was born in and my bra size?
KRISTY:
I'm sorry, Ms. _______________.
MARTHAWHO:
Not as sorry as I am. I just can't believe this is taking so freaking long. It's not like I have millions of dollars in this account. We're not even talking about $2,000 here. It doesn't even seem worth it.
KRISTY:
Your alternative is to keep your funds in our account, Ms. _________ where they will continue to mature over the rest of your career.
MARTHAWHO:
Why would I want to do that? I haven't worked at this company for a DECADE, and since it's an employer sponsored plan I am not permitted to make contributions to the account on my own. So you want me to watch my three nickels accumulate over time? No thanks.
KRISTY:
What would you like to do then?
MARTHAWHO:
Just cut me a check today and close the account.
KRISTY:
I'm sorry -- I cannot do that without the spousal consent form.
MARTHAWHO:
Kristy. Again I ask -- how do you know if I'm married or not?
KRISTY:
Are you married?
MARTHAWHO:
Yes.
KRISTY:
Well then I need that form.
MARTHAWHO:
Send me the damn form then.
KRISTY:
Ok Mrs. _____________, I will send you a form today then, that your husband will need to sign that says he is your legal spouse and that he consents for you to roll over your retirement account.
MARTHAWHO:
I don't have to sign this form?
KRISTY:
No. It's for your spouse.
MARTHAWHO:
So you are very worried about whether or not I am who I say I am even though I can answer all of your three dozen security questions, but you are sending a form to a man that you have NO relationship with whatsoever so he can confirm that he is who HE is, and give consent for you to do something with MY money??
KRISTY:
Well we will need him to verify his own identity as well of course.
MARTHAWHO:
What do you need? A copy of our marriage certificate?
KRISTY:
No. Your husband will simply need to sign the form in the presence of a notary public who will verify his identity for us.
MARTHAWHO:
Oh my god you guys suck.
KRISTY:
Anything else we can do for you, Mrs. _________?
MARTHAWHO:
What? I'm sorry ... because relagating me as a career woman to second class citizenship wasn't enough? Well let's see... let me think... why don't you send the cash directly to my husband and give him a blow job while you're at it?
KRISTY:
Thank you for calling Fidelity then. Have a nice day.
CLICK.
######
Thank you for calling Fidelity Investments. This is Kristy, how can I help you today?
MARTHAWHO:
Yes, hi, Kristy. Thank you. I'll give you the quick run down. I called you all back in July about rolling over my retirement account. At that time you told me I couldn't roll over my account because I had the wrong address on my records.
KRISTY:
Yes. That is our policy.
MARTHAWHO:
I totally understand. I had moved over a year ago and I hadn't updated the address. My bad. Anyway, the person I spoke to took my new address information and updated it, and then told me that it would take about two weeks for it to be updated because a letter of confirmation needed to be sent to my old address and my new address informing me of that change.
KRISTY:
Yes that is correct.
MARTHAWHO:
And that I could not roll over my account, or many any changes, or access it in any way until the change took place in the system.
KRISTY:
Yes. I can see we froze your account for security purposes.
MARTHAWHO:
Right. So anyway, it's been 8 weeks and I'm calling you back now to get this account rolled over.
KRISTY:
OK no problem.
MARTHAWHO:
So my account is then, un-frozen, is it?
KRISTY:
Yes. We can roll over the balance now.
MARTHAWHO:
Perfect.
KRISTY:
So the next step, is that we will need to send you some paperwork for your husband to fill out.
MARTHAWHO:
Huh?
KRISTY:
Well in order to roll over your account we need to have your spouse's consent.
MARTHAWHO:
How do you even know if I'm married. You have my single/maiden name on the record and I list my brother as the beneficiary.
KRISTY:
How long have you had this account open with us?
MARTHAWHO:
It's been about ten years. I only worked in that job for about 9 months. There' s like nothing in the account. I just need to close it before my financial advisor drives me insane.
KRISTY:
Ha ha. I understand. So I'll send that spousal consent form out to you right away then.
MARTHAWHO:
What if I told you I wasn't married?
KRISTY:
If you're not married than I can close your account and send you a check today. But if you're married, I'm required to get spousal consent first.
MARTHAWHO:
No offense, but it's my money isn't it?
KRISTY:
Of course.
MARTHAWHO:
So why, if I was married (and I'm not saying that I am), would I need my domestic partner's consent to roll it over into a new account?
KRISTY:
It's a policy of our company and also of the state you live in.
MARTHAWHO:
Well that's shit, pardon my french, because I have rolled over three other accounts with three other companies this summer, and they just closed my account on the phone and sent checks out to my new 401(k) company.
KRISTY:
(sighing)
I cannot speak for the questionable practices of other companies, Ms. ________.
MARTHAWHO:
Questionable? What is questionable about someone giving me the money that I own?
KRISTY:
We simply need to verify that you are who you are so that we aren't closing someone's account under fraudulent circumstances.
MARTHAWHO:
So I'm sorry -- you weren't able to verify who I was at the beginning of this call by getting my social security number, address, former employer information, my mother's maiden name, my first pet's name, the town I was born in and my bra size?
KRISTY:
I'm sorry, Ms. _______________.
MARTHAWHO:
Not as sorry as I am. I just can't believe this is taking so freaking long. It's not like I have millions of dollars in this account. We're not even talking about $2,000 here. It doesn't even seem worth it.
KRISTY:
Your alternative is to keep your funds in our account, Ms. _________ where they will continue to mature over the rest of your career.
MARTHAWHO:
Why would I want to do that? I haven't worked at this company for a DECADE, and since it's an employer sponsored plan I am not permitted to make contributions to the account on my own. So you want me to watch my three nickels accumulate over time? No thanks.
KRISTY:
What would you like to do then?
MARTHAWHO:
Just cut me a check today and close the account.
KRISTY:
I'm sorry -- I cannot do that without the spousal consent form.
MARTHAWHO:
Kristy. Again I ask -- how do you know if I'm married or not?
KRISTY:
Are you married?
MARTHAWHO:
Yes.
KRISTY:
Well then I need that form.
MARTHAWHO:
Send me the damn form then.
KRISTY:
Ok Mrs. _____________, I will send you a form today then, that your husband will need to sign that says he is your legal spouse and that he consents for you to roll over your retirement account.
MARTHAWHO:
I don't have to sign this form?
KRISTY:
No. It's for your spouse.
MARTHAWHO:
So you are very worried about whether or not I am who I say I am even though I can answer all of your three dozen security questions, but you are sending a form to a man that you have NO relationship with whatsoever so he can confirm that he is who HE is, and give consent for you to do something with MY money??
KRISTY:
Well we will need him to verify his own identity as well of course.
MARTHAWHO:
What do you need? A copy of our marriage certificate?
KRISTY:
No. Your husband will simply need to sign the form in the presence of a notary public who will verify his identity for us.
MARTHAWHO:
Oh my god you guys suck.
KRISTY:
Anything else we can do for you, Mrs. _________?
MARTHAWHO:
What? I'm sorry ... because relagating me as a career woman to second class citizenship wasn't enough? Well let's see... let me think... why don't you send the cash directly to my husband and give him a blow job while you're at it?
KRISTY:
Thank you for calling Fidelity then. Have a nice day.
CLICK.
######
posted by Martha Who? | 10:18 AM
2 Comments:
Oh my god those guys totally do suck! I hope Mr. M. Dub enjoys the nickels, dimes and head.
So, Mr. MW doesn't have any ties to the money but needs to have a notary public watch him sign a paper giving YOU permission to roll over money? Why the big fuss? Makes TOTAL sense to me (NOT!)
Mrs. BD
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