Why the Baby Jesus Created the Mute Button
The following is an only slightly embellished dramatization of the commentator narration during the women's figure skating short program:
SETTING: The Palavela ice rink, Torino, Italy. Tuesday February 21, 2006. The evening of the women's figure skating short program. The NBC commentators on the Voice Over are Scott, Dick, Sandra and Tom. There are 5 skaters. The first skater takes the ice.
V.O. TOM
This is Tom here with Scott, Sandra and Dick, and well here we are again at Palavela... this time to watch the women skate. Will Russia continue the domination of the figure skating events or will the American women step up? Will the young skaters outshine or be overshadowed by those with more competition experience? Will the new scoring system hurt or hinder the quality of these short programs? Will Dick live up to his name as we comment on the programs? We're about to find out.
V.O. SCOTT (exuberant)
I don't know about you guys but I'm giddy -- just giddy I tell you! I've been waiting for this night for four years. Oh, I can barely breathe I'm so excited. Aren't you excited, Sandra?
V.O. SANDRA
Oh yes, Scotty, I love this night, too. For me it's all about the beautiful choreography. After watching the practice runs this week I think it's safe to say we're going to see some beautiful choreography tonight.
V.O. DICK
And we'll probably see some sh*tty programs, too. That's the beauty of the Olympic games. We can't all be winners.
V.O. TOM
And here comes our first skater now ...
V.O. SCOTT
Oh god I'm so excited!
V.O. TOM
Now speaking of Olympic spirit, Dick, this is a really great story. Skater #1 grew up in East Jabip Turkey where there are only two ice rinks in the entire country. Once they saw her aptitude for the sport, her parents sold everything they owned and moved to Canada so she could train.
V.O. DICK
Sort of makes it seem like she should be Canadian then, don't you think? Right out of the gate and she's already bending the rules.
V.O. SANDRA
I watched Skater #1 in practice earlier today and I have to tell you she has some really beautiful choreography.
V.O. SCOTT
And she's just so cute! I mean, look at her. You just want her to do well.
SKATER #1 takes to the ice and begins her program.
V.O. TOM
And here's the opening combination... and.... she lands it.
V.O. SCOTT
Oh good job, honey.
V.O. DICK
But she lands it without any passion. It's robotic. Straightforward. Not interesting at all. I'm bored outta my gourd.
V.O. SANDRA
Dick, we're only 30 seconds into the evening.
V.O. DICK
Well I'm sorry. She lost me at "hola."
V.O. TOM
(shuffling papers can be heard)
Uhhh... check that .... you mean to say she lost you at "merhaba," Dick. SKATER #1 is from Turkey, not Mexico.
V.O. DICK
Yeah what's the difference?
V.O. SCOTT
There's only one ice rink in Mexico.
V.O. DICK
There's only one ice cube in Mexico, Scotty.
V.O. TOM
And here comes SKATER #1's final combination -- a triple flip followed by a double toe loop. And..... there's the Triple Flip...
V.O. SCOTT (shrieking)
... and... the Double! GOD! I LOVE this!
V.O. DICK
She'd get another point if she made it a triple.
V.O. SANDRA
A really nice short program for this young Turkish-Canadian teen. An inspiration for teens in both countries.
V.O. DICK
Yeah yeah. Tell her to come back in four years when she's out of puberty and grows into that face.
V.O. TOM
And while we wait for SKATER #1's marks, SKATER #2 is warming up.
V.O. SANDRA
That's right, Tom. SKATER #2 is from the great country of Canada...
V.O. DICK
Jeezus, another Canadian? C'mon people. Let's mix it up a bit, eh?
V.O. SANDRA
... and she has been skating for 15 years. This is her second Olympic Games ... we last saw her in Salt Lake...
V.O. DICK
Oh yeah, I remember her now. We last saw her on her ass in Salt Lake.
V.O. SCOTT
SKATER #2 has some confidence issues to work through. We shared a locker room at worlds a few years back. She's a little shaky with her emotions this week too. Who can blame her though -- I mean it's hard when you're juggling a professional skating career, and trying to cope with the loss of both your great grandmother and your chinchilla in the same month.
V.O. SANDRA
She does have some beautiful choregraphy though. Did you see her in practice?
V.O. TOM
Here are SKATER #1's marks ... and the total is 53.5pts.
V.O. DICK
Ha!
V.O. SCOTT
That pretty much knocks her out of medal contention.
V.O. DICK
I LOVE this new scoring system!
V.O. TOM
Well SKATER #2 knows the score she needs to beat to move into first place, and here she goes...
SKATER #2 begins her program.
V.O. DICK
Let's get this over with.
V.O. SANDRA
SKATER #2 is an elegant and mature skater at 29 years old.
V.O. DICK
That's Jurassic in skater years.
V.O. TOM
She appears to be skating a safe program tonight, putting her hardest combination at the beginning... and here it comes... the triple salchow, double toe loop combination.. here it is...
V.O. SCOTT (shouting)
Oh no! It's a double salchow! She made it a double-double instead of a triple-double!!
V.O. SANDRA
That will cost her a few points. And under the new scoring system, she will not get extra points for this beautiful choreography. Don't you think her choreography is beautiful, Scotty?
V.O. SCOTT
Oh yes. Top notch. What a shame about the fall.
SKATER #2 continues her program.
V.O. TOM
She has recovered nicely, I will say. It's a real strength.
V.O. DICK
(snorting)
Of course it's a strength. She's had a lot of practice recovering over the years.
V.O. TOM
SKATER #2 is leaving the ice. She's got to be disappointed with that one, but overall I'd say her total performance was more elegant than SKATER #1.
V.O. SCOTTY
I agree, Tom. The judges will reward her showmanship in the other elements that she nailed. It was a nice spin sequence.
SKATER #3 takes the ice.
V.O. TOM
And here come the marks for SKATER #2.
V.O. SCOTTY
57.5... not enough for a medal, surely, but for now she moves into first place.
V.O. TOM
Another interesting story for the Olympic books ... here is SKATER #3 -- from Japan. She is the youngest competitor of the whole Olympic figure skating event this year. She actually qualified for Worlds last year, but wasn't old enough to compete.
V.O. SCOTTY
(gleefully)
I love this girl... I've watched her all week at practice and she's great...
V.O. SANDRA
(murmuring her agreement)
Mmmmm. She has beautiful choreography...
V.O. SCOTTY
.. she's so young, but she has all of the elements of a great skater. This is the future of the sport of figure skating right here. She's good, not a gold medalist probably, but good She's just a bit green, but we'll see her do great things in a few years.
V.O. DICK
I'm green just looking at her.
V.O. TOM
(nervously)
Heh, heh, Dick... sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the rink today!
V.O. DICK
What are you talking about, oh high and mighty chief anchor correspondent?
V.O. TOM
Well, some of your comments have been... unkind.
V.O. DICK
Puh-leeze.
V.O. TOM
Moving on to SKATER #3... she is getting ready to move into her first difficult combination... it's a triple flip followed by a double toe... and....
V.O. SCOTTY
Holy Hot Diggety with Sugar on Top! She NAILED it! You go, sweetie!
V.O. TOM
Spectacular!
V.O. DICK
Whoop. Dee. Do.
V.O. SCOTTY
Such height on that flip! I can't wait to watch it on replay over and over again! I am so pumped!! Here she goes into her next required element ... the spiral sequence.
V.O. DICK
We've seen some ugly positions on the spirals so far tonight, but this one takes the cake.
V.O. SANDRA
Oh I disagree... I think it's lovely. The choreography...
V.O. DICK
Ugh. Wake me up when the Cold War starts.
V.O. TOM
(under his breath)
Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning, champ?
V.O. DICK
I'm serious. If your name isn't Irina or Sasha, this is a waste of my time.
SKATER #3 nails a triple toe loop. The audience goes wild.
V.O. DICK
Blah blah blah. It's the kind of skating we all like to do on a Sunday afternoon at the neighborhood ice rink. Been there.
V.O. TOM
Well that was SKATER #3 from Japan, skating a nearly flawless program tonight. What a rush.
V.O. DICK
But would it kill her to crack a smile? These Japanese skaters take themselves too seriously. It ruins it for me. Blah blah blah.
V.O. SCOTTY
SKATER #3 should be very very proud of herself tonight. What an accomplishment. She is definitely in line for a medal if she can maintain that level of quality in the long program on Thursday.
V.O. SANDRA
I saw her long program in practice. It's really really good.
V.O. TOM
Up next is SKATER #4 from Russia.
V.O. DICK
Finally. Some talent.
V.O. TOM
She is the favorite for the Gold at this Olympics and has come in with the national title, the World title, and she was also the Silver medalist at Salt Lake. This could be her year for Gold and if she wins it, Russia will dominate the sport here in Torino. Unprecedented.
V.O. SCOTTY
Tom, really the only wild card here is SKATER #5 from the USA -- she could be the only real obstacle standing between SKATER#4 and the Gold Medal.
V.O. DICK
That's what I'm talking about. Bring it.
SKATER #4 takes the ice.
V.O. DICK
What the hell is she wearing.
V.O. SANDRA
Pants. This is the first year that women are allowed to do that. Wear pants I mean.
V.O. SCOTTY
Good for her. It totally works for her body type and personality. It's a good look.
V.O. DICK
Sure. It's a great look if you're trying to look like a 13 year old sexually confused boy.
V.O. TOM
This should be a very exciting program. There is an extremely high level of difficulty to this program and SKATER #4 always puts on a good show.
V.O. SANDRA
And Russian Skaters like SKATER #4 are usually trained in classical ballet backgrounds. So you know her choreography will be spot on.
V.O. TOM
Here comes the first combination.... and
V.O. SCOTTY
TERRIFIC!
The audience is cheering.
V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! Did you see the power and height on that salchow?
V.O. DICK
I'm sure it was great. I'm still a bit distracted by the leisure suit she's wearing.
V.O. SANDRA
What a beautiful performance she is giving. She is really showing us her all with this program and the audience loves it. Will be hard to beat.
V.O. TOM
Her final footwork sequence is looking great... and she is saving the spin for last. Right after this planned double toe loop...
V.O. SCOTT
Oooo.. just the teeniest wobble on the landing, but almost unnoticeable. Still really great.
V.O. SANDRA
That's right Scotty. Still really great. She may lose half a point but no more than that.
V.O. DICK
Under the new scoring system, will she lose any points for wearing these stupid pants?
V.O. TOM
Dick.
V.O. DICK
Oh, I'm sorry... was that .... unkind?
V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! What a performance! It's a great night to be SKATER #4. This is where I get REALLY excited!
V.O. DICK
God help us.
V.O. SCOTT
(snapping his fingers)
SKATER #5 better get her game face on, because this is going to be a great showdown!!
V.O. DICK
I think he's about to blow. Stand back.
V.O. TOM
The marks for SKATER #4 are in.... and it looks like.... 66.5!!!
V.O. SANDRA
First place in a commanding lead!
V.O. SCOTT
Amazing! If I were SKATER #5 I'd be a bit nervous after that performance.
V.O. TOM
And speaking of SKATER #5, here she is now...
SKATER #5 arrives on the ice.
V.O. TOM
Another interesting story. You know we saw SKATER #5 at Salt Lake and she came in 10th pace. She changed coaches about 6 times in the last 4 years.
V.O. DICK
The John Kerry of the ice rink. Great drama.
V.O. TOM
The last four years have been all about getting ready for this Olympic Games... for this precise moment. It all comes down to this.
V.O. SANDRA
Oh I love this song choice. I watched her skate this program this week and it's strong.
V.O. SCOTT
I can barely breathe ...
V.O. SANDRA
She is off to a great start. Such strong choreography.
V.O. SCOTT
I'm serious. My heart feels like it's about to stop I'm so excited.
V.O. TOM
And the big combo here is supposed to be a triple salchow double flip -- very difficult -- if she makes this one she will get extra points from the judges. Let's see how she dos... here it comes.... and....
SKATER #5 nails the triple salchow and adds a triple flip. The audience is wild and on their feet in feverish and thunderous applause.
V.O. DICK
OK, that was kind of cool.
V.O. TOM
Amazing!
There is a thud on the microphone.
V.O. SANDRA
Uh.... guys.... I think Scotty passed out.
V.O. DICK
Pansy!
V.O. TOM
Un- KIND, Dick!!!
Somebody get some smelling salts over here, stat!
V.O. DICK
It's what I keep telling you guys. Ice skating has moved into the new millennium. It's not for sissies anymore.
V.O. TOM
Oh for shits sake, Dick. Take off your earpiece and help me move Scotty into the green room will you. Sandra -- hold down the fort -- we'll be back for final results.
There is silence on the air as SKATER #5 heads into her final combination.
V.O. SANDRA
(timidly)
Uh.... yeah.... it looks really good from here.
SKATER #5 ends her program on a very triumphant and strong spin. Thunderous applause.
V.O. SANDRA
That was beautiful choreography.
###
SETTING: The Palavela ice rink, Torino, Italy. Tuesday February 21, 2006. The evening of the women's figure skating short program. The NBC commentators on the Voice Over are Scott, Dick, Sandra and Tom. There are 5 skaters. The first skater takes the ice.
V.O. TOM
This is Tom here with Scott, Sandra and Dick, and well here we are again at Palavela... this time to watch the women skate. Will Russia continue the domination of the figure skating events or will the American women step up? Will the young skaters outshine or be overshadowed by those with more competition experience? Will the new scoring system hurt or hinder the quality of these short programs? Will Dick live up to his name as we comment on the programs? We're about to find out.
V.O. SCOTT (exuberant)
I don't know about you guys but I'm giddy -- just giddy I tell you! I've been waiting for this night for four years. Oh, I can barely breathe I'm so excited. Aren't you excited, Sandra?
V.O. SANDRA
Oh yes, Scotty, I love this night, too. For me it's all about the beautiful choreography. After watching the practice runs this week I think it's safe to say we're going to see some beautiful choreography tonight.
V.O. DICK
And we'll probably see some sh*tty programs, too. That's the beauty of the Olympic games. We can't all be winners.
V.O. TOM
And here comes our first skater now ...
V.O. SCOTT
Oh god I'm so excited!
V.O. TOM
Now speaking of Olympic spirit, Dick, this is a really great story. Skater #1 grew up in East Jabip Turkey where there are only two ice rinks in the entire country. Once they saw her aptitude for the sport, her parents sold everything they owned and moved to Canada so she could train.
V.O. DICK
Sort of makes it seem like she should be Canadian then, don't you think? Right out of the gate and she's already bending the rules.
V.O. SANDRA
I watched Skater #1 in practice earlier today and I have to tell you she has some really beautiful choreography.
V.O. SCOTT
And she's just so cute! I mean, look at her. You just want her to do well.
SKATER #1 takes to the ice and begins her program.
V.O. TOM
And here's the opening combination... and.... she lands it.
V.O. SCOTT
Oh good job, honey.
V.O. DICK
But she lands it without any passion. It's robotic. Straightforward. Not interesting at all. I'm bored outta my gourd.
V.O. SANDRA
Dick, we're only 30 seconds into the evening.
V.O. DICK
Well I'm sorry. She lost me at "hola."
V.O. TOM
(shuffling papers can be heard)
Uhhh... check that .... you mean to say she lost you at "merhaba," Dick. SKATER #1 is from Turkey, not Mexico.
V.O. DICK
Yeah what's the difference?
V.O. SCOTT
There's only one ice rink in Mexico.
V.O. DICK
There's only one ice cube in Mexico, Scotty.
V.O. TOM
And here comes SKATER #1's final combination -- a triple flip followed by a double toe loop. And..... there's the Triple Flip...
V.O. SCOTT (shrieking)
... and... the Double! GOD! I LOVE this!
V.O. DICK
She'd get another point if she made it a triple.
V.O. SANDRA
A really nice short program for this young Turkish-Canadian teen. An inspiration for teens in both countries.
V.O. DICK
Yeah yeah. Tell her to come back in four years when she's out of puberty and grows into that face.
V.O. TOM
And while we wait for SKATER #1's marks, SKATER #2 is warming up.
V.O. SANDRA
That's right, Tom. SKATER #2 is from the great country of Canada...
V.O. DICK
Jeezus, another Canadian? C'mon people. Let's mix it up a bit, eh?
V.O. SANDRA
... and she has been skating for 15 years. This is her second Olympic Games ... we last saw her in Salt Lake...
V.O. DICK
Oh yeah, I remember her now. We last saw her on her ass in Salt Lake.
V.O. SCOTT
SKATER #2 has some confidence issues to work through. We shared a locker room at worlds a few years back. She's a little shaky with her emotions this week too. Who can blame her though -- I mean it's hard when you're juggling a professional skating career, and trying to cope with the loss of both your great grandmother and your chinchilla in the same month.
V.O. SANDRA
She does have some beautiful choregraphy though. Did you see her in practice?
V.O. TOM
Here are SKATER #1's marks ... and the total is 53.5pts.
V.O. DICK
Ha!
V.O. SCOTT
That pretty much knocks her out of medal contention.
V.O. DICK
I LOVE this new scoring system!
V.O. TOM
Well SKATER #2 knows the score she needs to beat to move into first place, and here she goes...
SKATER #2 begins her program.
V.O. DICK
Let's get this over with.
V.O. SANDRA
SKATER #2 is an elegant and mature skater at 29 years old.
V.O. DICK
That's Jurassic in skater years.
V.O. TOM
She appears to be skating a safe program tonight, putting her hardest combination at the beginning... and here it comes... the triple salchow, double toe loop combination.. here it is...
V.O. SCOTT (shouting)
Oh no! It's a double salchow! She made it a double-double instead of a triple-double!!
V.O. SANDRA
That will cost her a few points. And under the new scoring system, she will not get extra points for this beautiful choreography. Don't you think her choreography is beautiful, Scotty?
V.O. SCOTT
Oh yes. Top notch. What a shame about the fall.
SKATER #2 continues her program.
V.O. TOM
She has recovered nicely, I will say. It's a real strength.
V.O. DICK
(snorting)
Of course it's a strength. She's had a lot of practice recovering over the years.
V.O. TOM
SKATER #2 is leaving the ice. She's got to be disappointed with that one, but overall I'd say her total performance was more elegant than SKATER #1.
V.O. SCOTTY
I agree, Tom. The judges will reward her showmanship in the other elements that she nailed. It was a nice spin sequence.
SKATER #3 takes the ice.
V.O. TOM
And here come the marks for SKATER #2.
V.O. SCOTTY
57.5... not enough for a medal, surely, but for now she moves into first place.
V.O. TOM
Another interesting story for the Olympic books ... here is SKATER #3 -- from Japan. She is the youngest competitor of the whole Olympic figure skating event this year. She actually qualified for Worlds last year, but wasn't old enough to compete.
V.O. SCOTTY
(gleefully)
I love this girl... I've watched her all week at practice and she's great...
V.O. SANDRA
(murmuring her agreement)
Mmmmm. She has beautiful choreography...
V.O. SCOTTY
.. she's so young, but she has all of the elements of a great skater. This is the future of the sport of figure skating right here. She's good, not a gold medalist probably, but good She's just a bit green, but we'll see her do great things in a few years.
V.O. DICK
I'm green just looking at her.
V.O. TOM
(nervously)
Heh, heh, Dick... sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the rink today!
V.O. DICK
What are you talking about, oh high and mighty chief anchor correspondent?
V.O. TOM
Well, some of your comments have been... unkind.
V.O. DICK
Puh-leeze.
V.O. TOM
Moving on to SKATER #3... she is getting ready to move into her first difficult combination... it's a triple flip followed by a double toe... and....
V.O. SCOTTY
Holy Hot Diggety with Sugar on Top! She NAILED it! You go, sweetie!
V.O. TOM
Spectacular!
V.O. DICK
Whoop. Dee. Do.
V.O. SCOTTY
Such height on that flip! I can't wait to watch it on replay over and over again! I am so pumped!! Here she goes into her next required element ... the spiral sequence.
V.O. DICK
We've seen some ugly positions on the spirals so far tonight, but this one takes the cake.
V.O. SANDRA
Oh I disagree... I think it's lovely. The choreography...
V.O. DICK
Ugh. Wake me up when the Cold War starts.
V.O. TOM
(under his breath)
Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning, champ?
V.O. DICK
I'm serious. If your name isn't Irina or Sasha, this is a waste of my time.
SKATER #3 nails a triple toe loop. The audience goes wild.
V.O. DICK
Blah blah blah. It's the kind of skating we all like to do on a Sunday afternoon at the neighborhood ice rink. Been there.
V.O. TOM
Well that was SKATER #3 from Japan, skating a nearly flawless program tonight. What a rush.
V.O. DICK
But would it kill her to crack a smile? These Japanese skaters take themselves too seriously. It ruins it for me. Blah blah blah.
V.O. SCOTTY
SKATER #3 should be very very proud of herself tonight. What an accomplishment. She is definitely in line for a medal if she can maintain that level of quality in the long program on Thursday.
V.O. SANDRA
I saw her long program in practice. It's really really good.
V.O. TOM
Up next is SKATER #4 from Russia.
V.O. DICK
Finally. Some talent.
V.O. TOM
She is the favorite for the Gold at this Olympics and has come in with the national title, the World title, and she was also the Silver medalist at Salt Lake. This could be her year for Gold and if she wins it, Russia will dominate the sport here in Torino. Unprecedented.
V.O. SCOTTY
Tom, really the only wild card here is SKATER #5 from the USA -- she could be the only real obstacle standing between SKATER#4 and the Gold Medal.
V.O. DICK
That's what I'm talking about. Bring it.
SKATER #4 takes the ice.
V.O. DICK
What the hell is she wearing.
V.O. SANDRA
Pants. This is the first year that women are allowed to do that. Wear pants I mean.
V.O. SCOTTY
Good for her. It totally works for her body type and personality. It's a good look.
V.O. DICK
Sure. It's a great look if you're trying to look like a 13 year old sexually confused boy.
V.O. TOM
This should be a very exciting program. There is an extremely high level of difficulty to this program and SKATER #4 always puts on a good show.
V.O. SANDRA
And Russian Skaters like SKATER #4 are usually trained in classical ballet backgrounds. So you know her choreography will be spot on.
V.O. TOM
Here comes the first combination.... and
V.O. SCOTTY
TERRIFIC!
The audience is cheering.
V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! Did you see the power and height on that salchow?
V.O. DICK
I'm sure it was great. I'm still a bit distracted by the leisure suit she's wearing.
V.O. SANDRA
What a beautiful performance she is giving. She is really showing us her all with this program and the audience loves it. Will be hard to beat.
V.O. TOM
Her final footwork sequence is looking great... and she is saving the spin for last. Right after this planned double toe loop...
V.O. SCOTT
Oooo.. just the teeniest wobble on the landing, but almost unnoticeable. Still really great.
V.O. SANDRA
That's right Scotty. Still really great. She may lose half a point but no more than that.
V.O. DICK
Under the new scoring system, will she lose any points for wearing these stupid pants?
V.O. TOM
Dick.
V.O. DICK
Oh, I'm sorry... was that .... unkind?
V.O. SCOTTY
WOW! What a performance! It's a great night to be SKATER #4. This is where I get REALLY excited!
V.O. DICK
God help us.
V.O. SCOTT
(snapping his fingers)
SKATER #5 better get her game face on, because this is going to be a great showdown!!
V.O. DICK
I think he's about to blow. Stand back.
V.O. TOM
The marks for SKATER #4 are in.... and it looks like.... 66.5!!!
V.O. SANDRA
First place in a commanding lead!
V.O. SCOTT
Amazing! If I were SKATER #5 I'd be a bit nervous after that performance.
V.O. TOM
And speaking of SKATER #5, here she is now...
SKATER #5 arrives on the ice.
V.O. TOM
Another interesting story. You know we saw SKATER #5 at Salt Lake and she came in 10th pace. She changed coaches about 6 times in the last 4 years.
V.O. DICK
The John Kerry of the ice rink. Great drama.
V.O. TOM
The last four years have been all about getting ready for this Olympic Games... for this precise moment. It all comes down to this.
V.O. SANDRA
Oh I love this song choice. I watched her skate this program this week and it's strong.
V.O. SCOTT
I can barely breathe ...
V.O. SANDRA
She is off to a great start. Such strong choreography.
V.O. SCOTT
I'm serious. My heart feels like it's about to stop I'm so excited.
V.O. TOM
And the big combo here is supposed to be a triple salchow double flip -- very difficult -- if she makes this one she will get extra points from the judges. Let's see how she dos... here it comes.... and....
SKATER #5 nails the triple salchow and adds a triple flip. The audience is wild and on their feet in feverish and thunderous applause.
V.O. DICK
OK, that was kind of cool.
V.O. TOM
Amazing!
There is a thud on the microphone.
V.O. SANDRA
Uh.... guys.... I think Scotty passed out.
V.O. DICK
Pansy!
V.O. TOM
Un- KIND, Dick!!!
Somebody get some smelling salts over here, stat!
V.O. DICK
It's what I keep telling you guys. Ice skating has moved into the new millennium. It's not for sissies anymore.
V.O. TOM
Oh for shits sake, Dick. Take off your earpiece and help me move Scotty into the green room will you. Sandra -- hold down the fort -- we'll be back for final results.
There is silence on the air as SKATER #5 heads into her final combination.
V.O. SANDRA
(timidly)
Uh.... yeah.... it looks really good from here.
SKATER #5 ends her program on a very triumphant and strong spin. Thunderous applause.
V.O. SANDRA
That was beautiful choreography.
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posted by Martha Who? | 7:29 AM
8 Comments:
I can't begin to tell you how enjoyable that was. With some edits and the right casting, this could transcend SNL's best and brightest writing, easily.
Speaking of casting... If we were to cast it strictly for the VO from ye old theatre dept., would Checkypantz or Hoxie play Dick? And would Butch or Trevor P. play Scott? Actually, that is silly. Of course Butch would play Scott. Sandra played by Lennon and Tom is still a big question mark for me. Maybe DePaul? Duke couldn't handle the normality. Thoughts?
And, with all the triple and double this and that, Dick really could throw in the occasional scotch allusion.
God this was funny!
YOU are the funny one, BD. The casting suggestions are flawless. DePaul as Tom is divine. The only person who coud play Sandra better than Lennon would be William Shatner himself.
Thanks for the smile.
Hugs,
MW
Funny in the head, maybe.
Er... maybe this is just how it rendered for me, but the post ended thusly for me:
V.O. SANDRA
That was beautiful choreography.
###
V.O.
posted by Martha Who? | 7:29 AM | 3 comments
Was there more?!? The masses demand more!
Meanwhile, thanks for making me the Dick. :) I'm glad that I'd get the funniest line in the whole dang-gummed thing: "There's only one ice -cube- in Mexico."
Damn skippy.
Anywya, it's cutting off for me, I think. But, huzzah!
Upon further reflection... Alexa might be the better voice for Sandra. M.L. 900 ft. Shatner can understudy. Dick is SO Hoxie. Checkypantz can understudy.
Also, you could take my lewd playlet and paste over an historical adaptation of Dick and Scott on a brokeback walk through the Olympic Village... The possibilites are truly endless.
Can you tell how bored I am with my job?
Pissing myself thinking about a brokeback moment for anyone in the Olympic Village. I think you should run with that, BD. You know there were all of those skaters -- the russian guy and a couple of the us women -- who skipped the opening ceremonies and festivities of the first week to "train" at mountain hideaways (*wink* *wink*)
Checky you sly fox you... this was not a polished product. I was writing like a bat outta hell with only 15 minutes till a Ragtime rehearsal so it's pretty sloppy in hindsight. I had planned a "back to Bob Costas" moment at the end but decided at the 11th hour to leave well enough alone. The dangling "V.O." is all that remains of that almost folly. I cleaned it up for ya. I just can't get anything past you dudes, can I?
Which brings me to -- cripes, gangsta's... if I'd known you were going to read let alone link to this post, I would have at least done a spell check. You caught me at my raw-est, what can I say?
:-)
With all of my apologies to Webster, the Chicago Style Guide, OCD sufferers, and spelling bee masters everywhere, I remain humbly yours in the faith:
MW
PS: I think all three of us need to find new jobs. Why don't we start a company together.
I'm down with that. We could call it the Goyaspora.
There's several layers of arcane references to get that joke. Don't feel bad at all if you don't get there. And, honestly, it's not that great a joke anyway. You know, never mind.
And understudying is fine. Dibs on being SM, though.
No worries about the edit, MW. I wasn't being perfectionist... I just wanted the whole mix and was disturbed that there might have been somethine I was missing. Not nitpicking (for a change).
J, it was hysterical. I didn't really get it, but knowing you, I know you know how to bring the funny. And you can do whatever you damn well please. Reaux Sham Beau Hoxie for the part for all I care.
I have often fantasized about winning the lottery and, after sufficiently eco-pimping my crib, buying a space and hiring all my nearest and dearest to start a theatre company. I was just a question of where and how big and who would do what. Though, we know who would be the comedy writer. Dare to dream...
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