The Supremes

SETTING: CNN evening anchor desk.

AARON:
Good evening, America. Well, here we are together, you and me, about to witness another one of those bowel-wrenching, spine-realigning, quintessentially surreal moments in American History. My shirt is clean and my heart is pure and I'm here to report on something news-worthy that I know nothing about. What that is remains to be revealed. Anderson?

ANDERSON:
(after a pause)
OK. Thank you Aaron. This truly is, as I think you indicated, an historic moment in our nation's history.

AARON:
Absolutely!

ANDERSON:
Let's have a recap of how today's events unfolded.

AARON:
Yes! That would be an appreciated and perhaps even an expected gesture, given our place in the miasma of news reporting. Thank you for suggesting it.

ANDERSON:
(another incredulous pause)
We're going to go live now to the hidden chambers of the U.S. Supreme Court where our new CNN correspondent, Ryan Seacrest, has the latest. Ryan?

VOICE OVER AARON:
(voice over as the cameras switch to Ryan Seacrest)
Say.... I know this guy from somewhere...

RYAN SEACREST:
Thank you Anderson, Aaron. I'm Ryan Seacrest and THIS..... is CNN Courtwatch.

VOICE OVER AARON:
Yeah… he looks like that guy from New Years Rockin' Eve. I love that guy....

VOICE OVER ANDERSON:
What can you tell us about what's been going on this evening?

RYAN:
Well, Anderson, it's been an unbelievable day as you can well imagine. It all started last week with the bizarre tragedy on the high court.

RYAN's voice continues to narrate as an American-Idol-esque video rolls showing the events of the previous week.

V.O. RYAN:
It was supposed to be his first day of work, but little did newly-appointed Justice Samuel Alito know that it would be his last. The morning began as usual, but then came the news that Justice John Paul Stevens would be retiring at the end of this term, and things quickly took a turn for the worse. Apparently unable to bear the thought of a third dramatic change in the Court’s make-up in one term, the entire court spontaneously combusted. In the White House press conference later that day, a shell-shocked Scott McClellan stated that (quote) the thoughts and prayers of the President and Mrs. Bush are with the families of the late Supreme Court Justices (end quote) and that (quoting again) the President’s first and foremost concern is that the Court return as soon as possible to hearing the cases on the spring docket (end quote). In a special televised address to the nation on Thursday evening, President Bush had this to add.

V.O. [RECORDED] GEORGE W. BUSH
…Right along with you I’m stunned by this rare and terrifying natural combustion phenomenon thing-y. Shows the Lord can giveth generously and he also is a pretty bad mother when it comes right down to it… anyways, we cannot let this setback – this bump on the ol’ trail – keep us from keeping the judicial flames…flaming. Tonight I am pledging two things to the American People – one, that all scheduled executions in the Lone Star state will continue as planned. I will personally deny any clemency requests that come in until the Court is re-sitchiated. And maybe after, too. And two, I will be invoking an emergency clause that allows me to appoint an interim Court that can begin hearing cases right away while they are moving through the official-ease of the confirmation hearings. God Bless the families of the Supremes and God Bless me and you…

Video clip ends, and we're back to live RYAN, ANDERSON, and AARON on a split screen.

ANDERSON:
Ryan, is it fair to say that not many Americans had ever heard of the “interim Court” clause the President referred to in his address last week?

AARON:
I’ll confess it was quite a revelation for this truth-seeking stallion.

RYAN:
Anderson, that is definitely a fair statement. Apparently the “Interim Court Clause” had been passed in the 2003 Congressional term. It was attached in very fine print to some version of the Patriot Act.

ANDERSON:
Surprising.

RYAN:
In a nutshell, Anderson and Aaron, the “Interim Court Clause” states that the in the event that the entire Court is lost in an act of war or other tragic accident, the President can appoint an interim court comprised of no less than three members, to begin hearing cases immediately – to return to normalcy as soon as possible. While there isn’t any stipulation on who these interim justices should be, it was widely speculated last week that President Bush was going to simply start at the top of his nominee list and make calls to the first three folks listed there.

AARON:
As a good a strategy as any, I’d venture. I mean, when you’re in the middle of a swirling whirlpool of black holes, you have to have something sharp to cling to.

ANDERSON:
(another pause)
Which brings us to today’s events.

RYAN:
Yes, Anderson. This morning when America woke up, there was a new Supreme Court – the three new justices were sworn in early this morning and have spent the day preparing for hearing their first cases tomorrow morning.

ANDERSON:
And now we go live to the Secret Chambers of the U.S. Supreme Court for a never-before-seen peek at the inner “deliberation room” – and the new justices at work. Ryan Seacrest with this exclusive story tonight.

Cameras are now on RYAN inside the Supreme Court inner chambers.

RYAN:
(whispering)
This is it. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. I’m standing here in the deliberation room of the U.S. Supreme Court where our new Justices have been spending the day getting settled into their new roles. (to the bench) Justices, I first want to thank you for taking a few moments to speak with America about this dramatic day.

Image widens to include the Bench behind RYAN. The three robed characters are revealed to be PAULA ABDUL, SIMON COWELL, and RANDY JACKSON.

PAULA ABDUL:
Thank you, Ryan. It’s so cool to see you here sweetie.

RANDY JACKSON:
Yeah hear hear. Props bro, for the new job. CNN. Very niiiice.

RYAN:
Just think – last week at this time the three of you and I were on the soundstage at the Kodak Theatre in LA, and this week – well – I don’t think any of us could have predicted this turn of events.

PAULA:
That’s for sure.

RYAN:
Tell me what it was like when you got the call. Let’s start with you, Randy …

RANDY:
It’s Justice Jackson, dawg.

PAULA giggles and punches RANDY in the arm.

RANDY:
Honestly, bro, it was like, for me – it was an incredible honor when the President woke me up last evening to let me know I was at the top of his list of potential nominees. I was like, whoa – I’m not worthy, you know? But dude, he’s a huge fan of the show, and he was like, I’m really digging how you are so impartial and un-biased every week on Idol, and I think you’d be really great at this gig. I mean, who was I to say no… especially to the President, dawg – touch THIS.

RYAN:
Justice Abdul, you got the next call if I’m not mistaken.

PAULA:
Yes. That’s correct. I was actually with my stylist picking out an outfit for this week’s Idol showdown when the phone rang. Needless to say I was shocked. What a thrill though, Ryan. I mean – what an honor. You know, as a performer you’re really always a public servant. So this was just a natural next step.

RYAN:
Justice Cowell, perhaps the most controversial of the picks given your citizenship status.

SIMON:
(miserable)
That’s right. My stay-tus has been of considerable concern.

RYAN:
Let’s take a quick look at this evening’s White House press conference where the President himself made a few remarks.

Video footage of the press conference begins.

SCOTT MCLELLAN:
Okay, okay – we’ve got time for one more question…. Let’s see… Judy?

REPORTER:
(off camera)
Thank you Scott and thank you Mr. President. Mr. President, Simon Cowell is not a U.S. Citizen. This is obviously a point of concern for many Americans – that he is not familiar with the laws of our land, and that he will not be able to mete out justice fairly. Can you speak to this concern?

GEORGE W. BUSH
Thank you, Judy, and first I want to thank you for asking that tough question. This whole week has been about tough questions. Believe me I ask myself the same tough questions all the time. And you know what I get in return? Nothing. So you’re not alone there. On the issue of Justice Cowell…well, look, Judy – I have three things to say about that concern, because it’s a valid concern for some people, even if I think it’s unvalid and stupid. The first thing I’ll say is that Simon Cowell is a citizen of America’s greatest friend: Great Britain. As you know, America and Great Britain have always been chummy, since time began, and they are our closest ally in the War On Terror. So I think it’s an honor to have Simon on our Court. Letter B, I want to say that most American citizens don’t have the first flying clue about most of the rules and regulations in this country – I know I sure don’t! – so I’d say Justice Cowell will have a running start. Think of it as on the job training. And Fourthly, I says to Vice President this afternoon, Dickie, if they can elect an Austrian celebrity to be the governor of California, I can appoint a British celebrity to the Supreme Court. Just so as none of these guys come after my job, you understand, heh heh heh.

The Camera is back in the Court Chambers.

RYAN:
That was a hearty endorsement of your appointment, Justice Cowell.

SIMON:
Look, Ryan, I’m going to tell you something. And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for this rewarding peek into the circus of the American political arena, but really there is nothing I’d rather do less than sit on this Court. I have to spend enough time with Dumb and Dumber here as it is, and this is going to be an excruciating experience.

RANDY:
That’s enough Anti-American sentiment from you, Cowell. (Randy melodramtically bangs a gavel and then in a horrible imitation of a British accent) I’ll have you thrown in the brig for treason!

PAULA:
(smiling)
Yeah, Simon! You’re just bitter you weren’t tapped for judicial greatness in your own country.

RANDY:
He’d get to wear a phat wig if that happened though.

PAULA giggles and punches RANDY.

RYAN:
Let’s move on. Tell us a little bit about how you’ve spent your day.

SIMON:
We were supposed to spend the day familiarizing ourselves with the lower court briefs for tomorrow’s oral arguments.

RANDY:
(puffing up his robe)
The only briefs I’ve been thinking about is whether or not I’ll be wearing briefs – or anything else – under this tent tomorrow. Is this dawg HOT or what?

SIMON:
(throwing a pencil at Randy)Look, Ryan. I’ll tell you what we’ve done today. Absolutely nothing. It’s been an enormous waste of time.

PAULA:
(whining)
Simon! That’s not fair. You’re the one bogging us down!

RANDY:
Right on, Justice. (RANDY and PAULA share a high-five). She does have a point there, Cowell.

RYAN:
How so, Justice Jackson?

RANDY:
So so so so check this, check this out. George –

RYAN:
The President, you mean?

RANDY:
Yeah, bro why you like that correcting me? We’re tight – George is my dawg now you know? Anyway, check this out – he pretty much left us to do our thing today, but the only thing we were required to do was pick a Chief Justice before tomorrow’s session. And Cowell, here…

SIMON:
(throwing his hands in the air)
Oh here we go.

RANDY:
Cowell here fancies that it should be him.

SIMON:
I was merely pointing out that since I am clearly the only appointee who feels an enormous amount of pain and suffering by being here, it would be a nice gesture to give me the title. That and I’m by far the smartest.

RANDY:
Clearly the Chief Justice should be this dawg, though. George wants a brother to be steering this dinghy. Why do you think he called me first?

PAULA:
So we’ve been fighting all day about that, Ryan. If we had just gone with my plan this morning, we could have had more time to spend picking out our Dockers for tomorrow.

SIMON bangs his head on the table.

RYAN:
What was your plan, Justice Abdul?

RANDY:
Yo yo yo so check this out, yo. Paula here thinks that we should rotate the Chief Justice hat so to speak. Someone different gets the hat every day.

PAULA:
And we could start in alphabetical order by last name.

SIMON:
The problem with that non-plan, is that it does not solve the problem. You can’t have three chiefs. It does not make sense at all.

PAULA:
I’m feeling like we can make whatever rules we want now, you know? Stop being such a downer, Simon.

RANDY:
Paula you know I love you, but Cowell has a point. It’s not the Supreme Court Chief Justic-EZ – there’s only one big daddy in this dog pound you know?

SIMON:
Furthermore, do you really think America wants to wake up tomorrow and hear that a former Laker Girl is their Supreme Court Chief Justice.

PAULA:
(tearing up)
That was mean, Simon!

SIMON:
I should be the Chief. My ratings are high in the heartland. And fat TV-watching Americans fall over themselves around anyone with a British accent. Case closed.

RYAN:
Well look, guys. We know you’ve been struggling to come to consensus on this issue, so the good folks at CNN have decided to help you out. We’ve set up a toll-free hotline which will open at the end of this program, with a unique number for each of you. This is where you come in, America – tonight you will have two hours to place your vote for who should be the next Supreme Court Chief Justice of the United States? Should it be Justice Paula Abdul, Justice Simon Cowell, or Justice Randy Jackson. You decide. The results will be revealed tomorrow morning when Larry King and I host a special “breakfast results show” – we’ll reveal the new Chief and take your questions.

For now you guys should read those briefs and get some rest. Tomorrow’s a big day. Anderson, Aaron – this is Seacrest, Out.

Back in the CNN newsroom.

ANDERSON:
That was Ryan Seacrest, reporting live from the U.S. Supreme Court building in Washington DC. Please stay tuned to CNN for the hotline numbers so you can place your vote for who you think should be the U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice. Ryan Seacrest will be back tomorrow morning with Larry King. Then after he hosts his afternoon talk show and the American Idol “Country Ballads” edition on FOX, he will be back here tomorrow night on CNN with Aaron and I for our continuing CourtWatch coverage. Until then, I’m Anderson Cooper.

AARON:
And I’m -- say, Anderson, he really IS that guy from New Years Rockin Eve, isn’t he?

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