Martha Who?

or...who really has it all, while keeping it all together?

Name:
Location: New England, United States

Monday, September 25, 2006

Turn Right at the Big Jesus

Just got back from taking a tour of the maternity ward of the hospital where we'll be delivering Baby Sister (6 weeks from today ay carumba). We had our choice of two hospitals a few months ago -- and, lured by glowing reviews from other parent friends, and the siren song promise of a private room with a view -- we chose the small downtown hospital over the biggest hospital in the state (which is only two blocks away from the first).

I sort of knew going into it that it was a Catholic-affiliated hospital. That was OK with me -- it is after all familiar and oft-blogged about territory. I've already made my peace with the fact that I will not be able to engage in spirited debate with my nurses about the promise of embryonic stem cell research, and I know I will not be getting any free samples of ortho tri-cyclen.

Which leaves me with only one misgiving - a trifling matter of giving directions. So to get it off my chest, here it is: If anyone wants to come visit me or BabySister at the birth center:

After parking, walk around the brick exterior of the hospital, until you come to the door with a big crucifix on it. Enter the hospital through this door, and then through the second door which is made up of a station of the cross immortalized in stained glass. Walk straight ahead toward the sign that says "Pastoral Care" and make a right at the giant Jesus statue. The Birthing Center is straight ahead.

If you get lost, don't worry -- one of the nuns will help you find you way.

###

You Can Be a Winner at the Game of Life!

The Mr. and I just got back from signing (and paying for ugh) our first term life insurance policies. The following are my favorite highlights from this meeting.

10. "So you guys have a Standard policy. As you know we had hoped for Preferred Plus rates, but you guys didn't qualify for it. You didn't even qualify for regular Preferred. So that's, like TWO steps below where we wanted to be!" -- our insurance agent

9. "I just assumed since you guys were young and healthy that nothing would come up during your medical exams. But you guys both have some serious cholesterol issues. Unfortunate." -- our insurance agent.

8. "Mrs. _____________, you know, the cholesterol cut-off for even getting life insurance is 300. Thankfully we're giving you the benefit of the doubt that it will resolve itself after your baby is born." -- our insurance agent.

7. "And I'm eating lots of oatmeal now." -- Mr. MarthaWho
"Oh good! I've heard that really works!" -- the insurance agent

6. So, does this policy, cover, like -- everything? Even terrorist attacks and stuff?" -- Mr. MarthaWho.

5. "This policy covers anything except suicide. But even that is covered after 2 years!" -- the insurance agent.

4. "Great. So we'll look at your cholesterol levels in a year and I'm sure we can get you guys a better rate at that time. Usually we like to see a 12 month history of bloodwork. But of course, it has to be a good twelve months ..." -- the insurance agent

3. "Now, I know you both contribute to your employer sponsored retirement plans, but did you guys know that you make too much money to open Roth IRA's? Unfortunate! I'd like to talk to you about a way you could get around that by opening another Life Insurance policy." -- the agent.

2. "Everyone thinks we make a lot of money, but I don't feel like we have anything extra to be opening additional policies and retirement accounts right now. Are we missing something that other people our age know about in terms of being better prepared for the future? I guess we're on the path to adulthood now. That's what I've learned from this experience." -- Mr. MarthaWho upon leaving the agent's office.

1. "That's interesting. The only thing I've learned is that on the morning of your cholesterol test for term life insurance you really should follow their advice and not eat. Those two seventy five cent Dunkin Donuts I had that morning just cost me an extra $400 a year."

###

Friday, September 22, 2006

A Tale of Two Cities - Six (Pack) of One, Half Dozen of Another

MR. MARTHAWHO (calling from Germany, where he has been for a week after being in Japan for the week prior):
Hi honey, how's it going?

MARTHAWHO:
Oh you know... it's going. Can't wait for you to get back tomorrow.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah -- me either. Miss you guys. How was your morning?

MARTHAWHO:
Fine.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Did punchkins sleep for you?

MARTHAWHO:
Not really. She woke up every couple of hours screaming about giant bugs attacking her.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh no. I'm sorry.

MARTHAWHO:
Yep. I had to sleep with her from about 2:30 to 6:00. Then I went back to bed but she woke up at 6:15 screaming again.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh no.

MARTHAWHO:
Yeah. I tried to let her cry for a while but eventually I went in there and she had pissed the bed.

MR. MARTHAWHO laughs.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh yeah... it was really funny I tell ya. I haven't had a full nights sleep in two weeks so it was a joyous good time to have to change a bed at 6:30 in the morning.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Sorry.

MARTHAWHO:
Don't worry about it. Everything is fine. How was your speech today?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oh it was fine.

MARTHAWHO:
God what are you doing? It's so freaking loud in the background. You sound like you're in a soccer stadium.

MR. MARTHAWHO (exuberantly):
Oh yeah -- I'm at Oktoberfest!!

MARTHAWHO:
What?

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Oktoberfest -- you know --

MARTHAWHO:
I know what Oktoberfest is.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah. I mean it's like the Oktoberfest. Oh. My. God. It's crazy. These people are crazy. All of this crazyness about BEER.

MARTHAWHO:
So let me get this straight. I've been home for two weeks, a hundred and fourteen months pregnant, taking care of our two year old, trying to put food on the table every night, working all day, cleaning up the dog's puke every night after the kid feeds him her dinner, washing your laundry from last weeks' trip and generally just trying to hold my shit together, and ... oh yeah, you're in a mosh pit at "The" Oktoberfest.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Yeah! I know! t's crazy isn't it?

MARTHAWHO:
Uh-huh. Just checking.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
So I thought I'd call now in case I'll be too drunk to call you later.

MARTHAWHO:
If you miss your flight back tomorrow morning I will never forgive you.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
I know.

MARTHAWHO:
Because if you miss it you may as well stay there.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
I won't miss it. I promise.

MARTHAWHO:
Alrighty then. Have a GREAT time. See you tomorrow then.

MR. MARTHAWHO:
Thanks honey. You're the best.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh believe me I know.

#####

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This Phone Call Was Recorded for Quality Assurances

OPERATOR:
Thank you for calling Fidelity Investments. This is Kristy, how can I help you today?

MARTHAWHO:
Yes, hi, Kristy. Thank you. I'll give you the quick run down. I called you all back in July about rolling over my retirement account. At that time you told me I couldn't roll over my account because I had the wrong address on my records.

KRISTY:
Yes. That is our policy.

MARTHAWHO:
I totally understand. I had moved over a year ago and I hadn't updated the address. My bad. Anyway, the person I spoke to took my new address information and updated it, and then told me that it would take about two weeks for it to be updated because a letter of confirmation needed to be sent to my old address and my new address informing me of that change.

KRISTY:
Yes that is correct.

MARTHAWHO:
And that I could not roll over my account, or many any changes, or access it in any way until the change took place in the system.

KRISTY:
Yes. I can see we froze your account for security purposes.

MARTHAWHO:
Right. So anyway, it's been 8 weeks and I'm calling you back now to get this account rolled over.

KRISTY:
OK no problem.

MARTHAWHO:
So my account is then, un-frozen, is it?

KRISTY:
Yes. We can roll over the balance now.

MARTHAWHO:
Perfect.

KRISTY:
So the next step, is that we will need to send you some paperwork for your husband to fill out.

MARTHAWHO:
Huh?

KRISTY:
Well in order to roll over your account we need to have your spouse's consent.

MARTHAWHO:
How do you even know if I'm married. You have my single/maiden name on the record and I list my brother as the beneficiary.

KRISTY:
How long have you had this account open with us?

MARTHAWHO:
It's been about ten years. I only worked in that job for about 9 months. There' s like nothing in the account. I just need to close it before my financial advisor drives me insane.

KRISTY:
Ha ha. I understand. So I'll send that spousal consent form out to you right away then.

MARTHAWHO:
What if I told you I wasn't married?

KRISTY:
If you're not married than I can close your account and send you a check today. But if you're married, I'm required to get spousal consent first.

MARTHAWHO:
No offense, but it's my money isn't it?

KRISTY:
Of course.

MARTHAWHO:
So why, if I was married (and I'm not saying that I am), would I need my domestic partner's consent to roll it over into a new account?

KRISTY:
It's a policy of our company and also of the state you live in.

MARTHAWHO:
Well that's shit, pardon my french, because I have rolled over three other accounts with three other companies this summer, and they just closed my account on the phone and sent checks out to my new 401(k) company.

KRISTY:
(sighing)
I cannot speak for the questionable practices of other companies, Ms. ________.

MARTHAWHO:
Questionable? What is questionable about someone giving me the money that I own?

KRISTY:
We simply need to verify that you are who you are so that we aren't closing someone's account under fraudulent circumstances.

MARTHAWHO:
So I'm sorry -- you weren't able to verify who I was at the beginning of this call by getting my social security number, address, former employer information, my mother's maiden name, my first pet's name, the town I was born in and my bra size?

KRISTY:
I'm sorry, Ms. _______________.

MARTHAWHO:
Not as sorry as I am. I just can't believe this is taking so freaking long. It's not like I have millions of dollars in this account. We're not even talking about $2,000 here. It doesn't even seem worth it.

KRISTY:
Your alternative is to keep your funds in our account, Ms. _________ where they will continue to mature over the rest of your career.

MARTHAWHO:
Why would I want to do that? I haven't worked at this company for a DECADE, and since it's an employer sponsored plan I am not permitted to make contributions to the account on my own. So you want me to watch my three nickels accumulate over time? No thanks.

KRISTY:
What would you like to do then?

MARTHAWHO:
Just cut me a check today and close the account.

KRISTY:
I'm sorry -- I cannot do that without the spousal consent form.

MARTHAWHO:
Kristy. Again I ask -- how do you know if I'm married or not?

KRISTY:
Are you married?

MARTHAWHO:
Yes.

KRISTY:
Well then I need that form.

MARTHAWHO:
Send me the damn form then.

KRISTY:
Ok Mrs. _____________, I will send you a form today then, that your husband will need to sign that says he is your legal spouse and that he consents for you to roll over your retirement account.

MARTHAWHO:
I don't have to sign this form?

KRISTY:
No. It's for your spouse.

MARTHAWHO:
So you are very worried about whether or not I am who I say I am even though I can answer all of your three dozen security questions, but you are sending a form to a man that you have NO relationship with whatsoever so he can confirm that he is who HE is, and give consent for you to do something with MY money??

KRISTY:
Well we will need him to verify his own identity as well of course.

MARTHAWHO:
What do you need? A copy of our marriage certificate?

KRISTY:
No. Your husband will simply need to sign the form in the presence of a notary public who will verify his identity for us.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh my god you guys suck.

KRISTY:
Anything else we can do for you, Mrs. _________?

MARTHAWHO:
What? I'm sorry ... because relagating me as a career woman to second class citizenship wasn't enough? Well let's see... let me think... why don't you send the cash directly to my husband and give him a blow job while you're at it?

KRISTY:
Thank you for calling Fidelity then. Have a nice day.

CLICK.

######

Monday, September 11, 2006

the roof

september eleventh two thousand six
and we are getting a new roof installed this week.

three men on the roof
bang
bang
banging
interrupting the peace while I watch CNN's original nine eleven coverage on the pipeline -
the only thing I can think of to do to commemorate the morning.
(and i rationalize that i didn't really live through the original coverage the first time anyway
i was in the shower and then in the home office early that day, emailing my clients
-- mostly in new york can you imagine? i still shudder --
about things ridiculously mundane and insignificant).

the early news on that morning is also ridiculously mundane and insignificant
and amazing all at once.

there is max mayfield worrying about evacuation route chaos and speculating when the "big hurricane" might hit.
a now unknown CNN correspondent is covering fashion week, interviewing maternity wear designer Liz Lange as i sit at my desk feeling the unborn daughter inside kicking to make her presence known.
(an unborn child who, as with my first child, will never know life the
way it was before that day. does it matter)?
Nokia stock is trading strongly before the opening bell but eight forty eight approaches in the lower right corner of my laptop, the future of the history as unstoppable as the commercial jet on a horrible mission.

the CNN coverage appears almost quaint in the lens of history looking backwards.
how could there be so much confusion and misreporting during a day the timeline of which we all know every nauseating detail? (thank you nine eleven commission).

bang
bang
bang.
a piece of faded tar paper flutters lazily to earth outside my dining room window dancing in the september breeze against a sunny cloudless blue sky.
on the pipeline thousands of pieces of paper fall like quiet snow, blanketing lower manhattan in a shroud of paper
business cards.
credit card bills.
customer invoices.

personal effects.

even aaron brown has no words as the second tower falls.
bang
bang
bang
the roofers are laughing
sharing a joke I can't hear as
roof debris rains down outside my dining room window.
faded tar paper.
worn out shingles.
rotted out boards from 1820.
the roof of a house built before the civil war now witness to a war on terror.
two centuries of september elevenths.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Night I Found Out the Ugly Truth about My Mother

SETTING: 8PM. MARTHAWHO and MINIME are home alone while MR. MARTHAWHO is traveling on business. MW is bringing MM up to bed. They pause on the stair landing to look at a globe there.

MARTHAWHO:
Want to look at the globe, kiddo? I can show you where Daddy is.

MINIME:
It's NOT a globe. That's the world mama.

MARTHAWHO:
Right. The world. You're right.

MINIME:
(very earnestly)
Can you say, "Wooooorld"?

MARTHAWHO:
Wooooorld.

MINIME:
Very good, Mama.

MARTHAWHO:
(spinning the globe to North America and pointing to Maine)
See....? This is where you and me are right now -- Maine.

MINIME:
Yup.

MARTHAWHO:
(spinning the globe counter-clockwise until it stops in the Pacific)
And.... this.... is Japan.

MINIME:
Oh! Japan!

MARTHAWHO:
(spinning the globe back and forth)
Right. That's where Daddy is going tonight. See....Maine.... and.... Japan....Maine....and....Japan...

MINIME:
No Mama! Stop. It's my turn now.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh. Ok.

MINIME:
(grabbing MW's hand and looking her in the eye)
Just. Stop. Spinning. Please.

MARTHAWHO:
O-kay, camper. Why don't you spin the globe and point to a place with your finger and I will tell you the name of the country?

MINIME:
It's not a globe, Mama.

MARTHAWHO:
OK well whatever... look... I'll spin the world one more time really fast and you stop it when you're ready and just pick a place and I'll tell you what it is.

MINIME:
No-no, Mama! I will spin the world, and I will tell you what trees it is.

MARTHAWHO:
Country, not trees.

MINIME:
Can you say, "country"???

MARTHAWHO:
OK... just spin the world so we can go to bed, OK?

MINIME gives the globe a spin and stops it after a few rotations and points to Saudi Arabia.

MARTHAWHO:
Well of all the gin joints...

MINIME:
(earnestly, almost teacher-ly)
Mama. Do you know what tree this is?

MARTHAWHO:
Yes. It's called, "Saudi Arabia."

MINIME:
No no Mama. It's not.

MARTHAWHO:
It's not?

MINIME;
(Looking around, then whispering almost conspiratorily in MW's ear)
It's Mimi's House.

###



MW note: Mimi is my mother....

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday Night At MarthaWho's Place

authors note: Sorry I do not know how to spell all of my Rings words. Bear with me.

Mr. MARTHAWHO and MARTHAWHO are watching the third Lord of the Rings movie. MR. MW is fast forwarding through every scene that doesn't involve a battle.

MARTHAWHO:
Is this fun for you? skipping all of the non-violent scenes?

MR. MW:
Uh huh.

MARTHAWHO:
I'm glad you're skipping them actually. They suck.

MR. MW:
Uh huh.

MARTHAWHO:
Frodo is such a pussy.

MR. MW:
You've said so before. I sort of agree with you now.

MARTHAWHO:
I mean, he is SUCH a pussy though. If it weren't for Samwise his sorry Hobbit ass wouldn't have made it five freaking minutes.

MR. MW:
Uh huh.

MARTHAWHO:
I mean really. Sammie's boxers should be bronzed.

MR. MW:
I think that happens in the fourth installment.

MARTHAWHO:
Star Wars is kind of like this too.

MR. MW:
Huh?

MARTHAWHO:
I mean Luke Skywalker is kind of a pussy too.

MR. MW:
I guess.

MARTHAWHO:
Except do you think it was actually a Mark Hamill thing?

MR. MW:
What are you talking about?

MARTHAWHO:
Seriously -- I mean Mark Hamill is the worst actor ever and really really whiny especially in the early movies.

MR. MW:
And...?

MARTHAWHO:
So do you think it's an actor thing?

MR. MW:
I'm sorry. What was the question?

MARTHWHO:
I'm just saying -- maybe in Star Wars it's more that Mark Hamill is a pussy and not that Luke Skywalker is a pussy.

MR. MW:
Whatever you say honey.

MARTHAWHO:
You know -- he kind of gets dragged around by his friends... Han Solo etcetera.

MR. MW:
Can we just watch the movie?

MARTHAWHO:
Except by the last Star Wars movie, Luke Skywalker kind of grows some balls.

MR. MW:
Maybe that's the point.

MARTHAWHO:
What? That you need your friends to prop you up for a while? And then you learn to grow balls etc?

MR. MW:
Yeah.

MARTHAWHO:
Except Frodo. He never grows any balls at all. He's a pussy till the very end.

MR. MW:
Yep.

MARTHAWHO:
He should jump into that fire pit along with the ring.

MR. MW:
Uh huh. Sure honey.

MARTHAWHO:
Wow. This is the part where those Orcas are going to bite it, eh?

MR. MW:
Orcs.

MARTHAWHO:
What?

MR. MW:
It's Orcs honey, not Orcas.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh yeah. Orcas are whales, not hobbits.

MR. MW:
Orcs aren't hobbits either.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh.

MR. MW:
Technically, these aren't Orcs. They are Orecai.

MARTHAWHO:
What the hell does that mean?

MR. MW:
They're half Orc, half human.

MARTHAWHO:
Delicious.

MR. MW:
It makes them smarter.

MARTHAWHO:
Puhleeze.

MR. MW:
Are you going to be quiet now?

MARTHAWHO:
Isn't this the part where they dont have enough troops?

MR. MW:
Yep.

MARTHAWHO:
That's because the old guy kind of fucks them over right?

MR. MW:
What?

MARTHAWHO:
The old guy. Doesn't he tell the rest of the troops to turn back and not help fight the Orcas?

MR. MW:
That's Braveheart.

MARTHAWHO:
Oh. Well anyway. Frodo is still a pussy.

###